21 Weeks!!

I am thrilled that we are over the hump! We can finally count down now! 

     Knitting some baby pants. With our bump! It finally looks like a baby bump and not like I ate four burritos. Victory!

I posted in our social media update that I felt Baby Boy kicking and moving now and really since I posted that he's been going crazy. I've caught myself laying down more to get him to do it more. His personal favorites are when Mom's on her right side and when she's in her glider. He was kicking like crazy today so I put my hand on my belly and he kicked hard enough to feel it on the outside. I am really looking forward to Scott getting to feel his kicks. 

I really feel like my love for Scott has doubled since we found out we're having a boy. They already have such a special bond. Our A/C had a new problem this week and Scott figured out how to fix it on his own. (I don't know why it still surprises me when he pulls off stuff like this. He's just that smart.) I was telling Scott how much I appreciated him making sure the a/c worked so I would be comfortable and he told me how excited he was to teach our boy all these important life skills. I knew I picked a good man to raise our kids with, but he continues to blow me away. I was telling Scott last night how excited I was to get him away from everything for vacation and while he's excited too, he teased back that he could rest when he's retired.

Last night we were in a funny spot because I was feeling bad that I haven't been able to get up and go and help more and he's been picking up the slack without complaint. And he was feeling bad, worried about me because I couldn't do what I wanted to. (I still like being a do-er. Even when I'm restricted.) 

We both had to laugh. What a great problem to have in a marriage to both be overly worried about your spouse's needs. 

I'm feeling really good about getting to go on vacation, but we definitely have some questions for the specialist before we go. Unfortunately our latest trick is all of a sudden I can't walk because of sciatica/round ligament pain. It usually goes away after a few hours of laying down, but it's really humbling to me to feel like a cripple and crawl up the stairs and have Scott kinda scoop me from one place to the next. I asked early on in the pregnancy to be allowed to go to the chiropractor, but that was off the table until the baby was bigger. I'm really hoping to get permission, every time I roll over or climb stairs my hips pop *loudly* in and out of place. I have a theory (not Doctor confirmed.. Yet.) that maybe because both baby and placenta are so low the weight from both is really doing a number on my hips. But we've got to find a solution because both baby and placenta are only going to get bigger and heavier. I do know it will get better before Christmas. ;) but I imagine our Scott would appreciate not having to worry when I try to drive and tracking our location to see if I'm going to need him to come retrieve me.  I told you, he's the best. 

The first time it happened I had a meltdown thinking I wasn't going to get to go see my family. And even writing that out makes me tear up. It's been two years since all six of my siblings have been together and it's pretty much like Christmas. Since Baby Boy is coming for the holidays this will be our last trip, and I just have to be there. I won't go if it's not safe for the pregnancy, so I've had lots of conversations with Baby Boy telling him we need to work together and how much he's going to love going to the family reunion. There is plenty out of my control, but positive self talk and talk to the baby I can do. 

Baby looks a lot like he's going to when he's born, he's just working on chunking up the next 18 weeks and 6 days. He's growing hair and working on sucking his thumb. 

This week I was reflecting on how hard it's been to get pregnant and get through this pregnancy, and I'm so glad it's been so hard. We were madly in love before, and that has really just grown. We have learned to depend on each other and how to serve each other. It's been a fun challenge to figure out how I can best serve Scott when our life is anything but ordinary or what I'm used to. Sometimes the best thing he needs is for me to rest and not push it. Hard lesson to learn but doable. 

 I really don't think we've been happier. We are so excited for this adventure and we're having so much fun shopping for this sweet boy. And I know we would do it a hundred times over to get him here. 

 

A crash course in Motherhood, grief, and Mom guilt.

**Today I want to write about our Baby B. I write because of the chance that someone somewhere could really need this. My cousin lost her sweet baby boy and blogged about how there isn't as much voice from those that have experienced loss, and it really encouraged me to tell our story and how we're doing. Because reading her story gave me light and hope. I hope to pass that on. But if this is not your thing I would encourage you to skip it. This has been a collection of thoughts over the past few months.**

I knew it was twins. Call it mother's intuition or a prompting or something, but I knew. As I was praying this pregnancy was viable I felt like it's okay to say babies. There's more than one. The next morning was the ultrasound and immediately I saw both of our babies. I was thrilled. Aside from our wedding day, I think that was the happiest I've ever been. We immediately announced and got to planning.

I mean come on. How cute are my two babies?! 

 When we lost Baby B a few weeks later, I was devastated. I AM devastated. While we were surrounded with love and support, I was blown away by the few comments of "well at least there's still one." Which I admit I let it get to me, because I know plenty of people waiting and praying for a baby of their own. How selfish am I for wanting two? Or the assumption that because we lost them during the first trimester that they weren't real. That they didn't matter. I wanted to yell I HAVE TWO BABIES! But that's not how it looks now does it? And who possibly knows what to say to someone going through this situation? I don't even know what I would want someone to say to me. Nothing can be said to change the situation. Medically Dr's told me that if this was going to happen this was the best time. In fact, this was common!  Medically for the health of everyone involved sure. But don't try and explain that to my heart. I would have been in bed for nine months to get both babies here safely. That's the reality. I would have done anything, but that wasn't my option. I fought for them from the beginning, and did everything possible to keep them here. But it wasn't their time to come.  It looks like I have one baby. But I have two. We have two. And I will defend that for eternity. That is our child. And they are real, and they matter. 

When I think about Baby B I float between sadness, anger, and sometimes jealousy. Sometimes when I see pictures of twins or a commercial. I tear up. Sometimes I cry a lot about how badly I miss our sweet baby. I was so grateful for a Sister in Law to give me the heads up we'll still see Baby B on our ultrasounds for awhile. That was hard for me to stomach. And to see. But you have so many mixed emotions. You get to see them, which I loved for about a second,  but then they're right next to their sibling who is growing. As hard as it was to see that it made it so clear to my heart that it wasn't their time yet. Because of our complications (separate from our lost twin) I've had quite a few more ultrasounds than a normal pregnancy. I admit that even still there's a small piece of me that hopes at every ultrasound the Dr. Is going to say, "Surprise! There's baby #2!" But it isn't going to happen. 

I bought matching Harry Potter onesies for our babies when we found out they were twins, because I wanted them to let their imaginations run wild and feel the magic of love and good conquering evil. (So many good values in those books.) As nerdy as it is, we found out we lost one of our twins on the anniversary that Molly Weasley lost one of her twins. Someone tweeted about it that day and that really set me off. Magic couldn't even bring him back. And magic couldn't even bring back our baby. I often listen to Harry Potter to help me sleep at night, it calms me down. When I told Lindsay about the coincidence she pointed out that that was why there are so many things in the world. Because Heavenly Father uses countless ways to talk to his children. For me, on that hard day, it was Harry Potter, and looking back on that it's a tender mercy. 

We were put in such a weird situation. I don't handle loss, death or grief well at all. I hold onto grief and loss for a long time. I have always been a very compassionate person, and this is a catch-22 of that trait. I am grateful that in this situation of losing my own child I have felt understanding much quicker. The grief is not a daily battle to fight. I admit I felt really guilty a week after it happened and I had stopped crying every day. How would my baby know how much I loved them if I was happy and at peace with what happened? It took a lot to recognize that that was the best for me. And being happy and at peace is what was supposed to happen. 

This is where the Mom Guilt comes in. As upset as I was when we found out, I didn't think I had time to grieve. Which made it worse. I still had a bouncing baby in my belly to take care of, and double the anxiety to not lose them too. I was so grateful for the advice to be upset about Baby B, to stay in bed all day and be sad. That Baby A would understand that Baby B needed my emotions more. 

I have a sliver of understanding of how Mom's feel being happy for one child and sad for the other because I've been there. That it's okay to buy Baby A outfits and celebrate their growth milestones while crying every once in awhile that we have to wait a little longer to love on Baby B. 

After it happened one of my best friends told me her theory was that Baby A needed Baby B to hold their hand to come down to Earth, but it just wasn't time for Baby B to come yet. It was a very sweet visual to picture our babies loving each other so much to hold hands to get to us. 

The other really great advice I got from someone who has lost a baby was to let yourself feel it and don't be mad at yourself for feeling it. There are so many emotions to fight through, and turns out you can't control them at all, but it gets better. We are doing so much better, it has brought us so much closer together as a couple and I really think we've grown a lot. I'm sure we're borderline obnoxious with how many little things we celebrate and post on social media with our little boy. But it's necessary, and I think in part it's helping us grieve, because we know how fragile pregnancy is and it can be taken away from us quickly.  We are choosing joy. 

I have zero doubt that we will get to raise Baby B, what a sweet reunion it will be to have all four of us together again. 

I think writing all of this out really put my heart in a vulnerable place. An unplanned discussion popped up tonight about Baby B and I think as Scott and I discussed what we were both feeling it was both healing and left us both vulnerable. And then Scott said something that I had felt for a long time and it filled that hope bucket right to the brim. It was so healing to know our hearts were in the same place. On the same page. Isn't it funny how you can be full of peace, hope, and sadness at the same time? 

Laying awake tonight trying to finish processing our conversation I stumbled onto this quote, and I'm adding it to my Tender Mercy bucket. 

We love you sweet Baby B, we will not give up the fight to get you to our arms safely. We both have a feeling you'll be coming home to us as quick as possible. You've already taught us so much, and we can't wait to see what else you have in store for us. We'll miss you every day we're waiting. We love you! 

Love, 

Mom & Dad 

Parents of the cutest twins. 

19 weeks was a doozy.

19 weeks today! I feel like the last 10 days we've felt pretty much every possible emotion in the human spectrum. 

Last week we were coming off of some major wins with all the success Scott had at work and with the app. Once we got approval for the app to be in the App Store the next few days were filled with getting things ready for the launch party. 

Tuesday night everything was set up to get a group skype going with family to toast and cheer as it went live in the App Store. I went downstairs to grab wine glasses and martinellis and made it back up stairs only to double over in pain and drop the glasses before I could sit down. Once Scott got me to the couch and I could get my legs kinda tucked up and compress(is that the right word?) the sharp shooting pains weren't as bad, and I was not going to take away from this party. This was about 11pm. We had a blast skyping and launched the app successfully! 

We were headed to bed around 1am and I got up to walk to my bed. Not very far at all and the sharp pains and cramping got way more intense. I curled up into a ball on the bed and started breathing really hard. Things were not getting better. 

I called my Mom crying and told her what was going on. (So grateful she was awake.) Sobbing into the phone to your Mom that you are terrified you're going to lose another baby is something I wish on no one. She got me lined out on calling the Dr. And calling her back. Our Dr. Has an answering service that will page him. We called twice and the service didn't pick up. Panicking even more I called my Mom back and she told us we could call the charge nurse at labor and delivery at the hospital. We were able to get through and she was able to get us through to my Dr. Who sent me immediately to the ER. 

Scott got me in the car and got us to the hospital in record time. Thankfully there was literally no one in the ER. We got checked in and in a room pretty quick. 

We waited for awhile to see a Dr. And then they decided to do bloodwork, urine test, IV and an ultrasound. 

While they were running labs, I sat on the bed with my knees tucked up to be relatively comfortable. We had been there close to 2 hours before the ultrasound guy came in. I wished so badly there was another bed for Scott to sleep in. Oh we were so exhausted, physically and emotionally. 

I can't even describe how wonderful it was to immediately hear a strong heartbeat of 151, and see him with his signature hands behind his head move. Everything looked great on the ultrasound, and a few minutes in he decided to give us a show flipping around and swimming. He even gave us a sassy thumbs up like "how could you possibly be worried about me Mom & Dad?"

His little thumb is up at the bottom of the screen. I immediately relaxed after seeing our little sasspot so happy and comfortable in there. 

A little while later the Dr. came back with all of our lab results and no answers. Which is kinda good, but also had me a little nervous. The sharp pains and cramps had gone down. It had been over six hours since it started.  

I asked what if it happens again? Should I come in? Did I overreact? Thankfully the Dr. Didn't think we were crazy and told us if it gets bad like this again to come straight in. They also told us if we had been 20 weeks we would have been sent straight to Labor & Delivery. I was so grateful to be headed home to rest in my own bed. 

Coincidentally I had an appointment scheduled with my regular OB at 10:15 that morning. So we went home and slept for four hours and headed to the Dr.  Sleepy. That appointment went great, and he found the baby's heartbeat in less than a second. He also agreed that if that happened again we don't even need to call him and head straight to the hospital. He also agreed with the ER that this was an isolated event and since the baby was just fine it might not even be related to the pregnancy at all. 

He didn't put me on bedrest and even said I can still go to Arizona for our vacation when my brother comes home from his mission. On the condition that I don't end up in the ER between now and then. 

Scott the Wonderboy stopped for breakfast on our way home from the dr. Tucked me in and went straight to work. I am so grateful we live in TX and he works for such a wonderful company. He has the freedom to work from home, and there's no way this baby or I would get through the pregnancy without him. We're laying pretty low over here. Increasing my water intake from 125oz/day to something higher than that. (They ruled out dehydration, but I'm not taking any chances.) 

In the 36hrs we've been home from the hospital the app has generated some serious social media buzz and downloads which I can't help but see as a blessing for all of Scott's hard work and dedication to taking care of his family. 

Next thing on the list for all three of us is a lot of naps, and then some more naps. 

But hey, next week we're halfway! 

18 week update! Oh Boy, Oh Boy!

Yesterday we met with the Maternal Fetal Specialist. I would probably rate my stress and anxiety level at a 10-11 leading up to the appointment. Our family knew about that, so when the appointment went for 2.5hrs there was some definite panic that things were not going well. 

We're happy to report out of all the possible outcomes we really got the best one. 

We got to the Specialist's early and did vitals first, then we went into another room where we talked with a nurse about genetic testing. I finally had to apologize to the nurse that we were both making a couple of jokes, because we were so stressed out laughing was the only way we were going to get through the appointment. She thought we were a breath of fresh air and took us seriously.

We opted for some genetic testing just because of how traumatic this pregnancy has been. Just a few simple blood tests. 

We had been there over an hour before we got to the ultrasound. This was our big anatomy scan so she worked on me for about 30mins. 

Everything is measuring perfectly, and their little noggin is even a few days ahead of schedule (within reason). Which was a huge relief to me. I've been working with the nutritionist and have only gained a pound this month. I think the average is usually about 4lbs a month. 

Baby was sleeping and so stinking low she kept thwapping my stomach with the ultrasound to try and get them to move. She was working pretty hard,  but after all the great measurements we finally got the one we wanted. A son! We're having a boy! 

We were so excited, right after she told us Scott touched my arm and asked if I was okay. I was silent and shook my head yes. Poor Scott thought I was upset it was a boy. Turns out the ultrasound gel for my tummy isn't supposed to itch and burn. I was trying to focus and get through the ultrasound, I was so determined to let her get all her measurements. I finally asked if it was supposed to itch and burn and I guess it's not. Slight allergic reaction/sensitivity. So now I know I can ask for hypoallergenic gel. And I promised Scott I would speak up in the future.. Oops! 

After the ultrasound tech finished she went to go get the Dr and Scott was beaming. He was walking back and forth and talking about all the things we wanted to teach our son. All I could see was matching BYU hats and a chubby little blondie following him around while he mowed the lawn. It's perfect, I never knew this is exactly what I wanted. 

Plus he's going to be a Mama's boy and what's better than that? ;) 

Scott is the only boy in his immediate family, so I'm pretty excited we get to carry on the family name. 

We do still have the placenta complication, but the Dr. Isn't really worried about it. It didn't really make sense to me how the placenta was supposed to move without detaching. She explained it's like if you put a dot on a balloon and as you inflated the balloon the dot would change position. So that's what we're hoping for. I'll go back in a month for another apt with the specialist, but we're so grateful the answer wasn't bedrest at least for another month. And the best news of all, no travel restrictions so I get to be there when my brother comes home from his mission. 

It's crazy how quickly things changed once we knew we were having a little boy. Scott had promised me that after the app was finished we could paint the upstairs. He finished a few days ago and this morning he woke me up by telling me he just got back from Home Depot getting the rest of the painting supplies. We know what we're going to name him, but are keeping it a secret til he gets here, but we prayed for him by name last night during family prayer and it was such a sweet experience. 

I slept for nearly 12hours last night. Yesterday couldn't have gone better and I am so relieved. Now we can buy outfits and paint the nursery and do all of the fun stuff with a whole lot less worry. So happy 18weeks to us! 

We love you sweet boy, keep growing big and strong! I hope you get your Dad's baby cheeks.