17 Weeks!

This week was h.a.r.d. I'm not a crier by any stretch (unless we're watching a movie about the Olympics.) and there were some definite tears shed this week. Mostly due to lots of flem and not being able to breathe. I've tried to write this post at least five times today, but my mood changes every 10minutes so I'm not getting anywhere. So I made a list of thoughts.

1. Praise whomever made amoxicillin, because I really thought we were headed to the hospital this week. 

2. I'm really excited for our ultrasound this week. 

3. I need it to be a girl, not because I want a girl, I want a healthy baby boy or girl. I need it to be a girl because that's what my gut tells me and I need to be right about something. I need a little victory. 

4. I started crying in the middle of the night just because my husband is going to be such a good Dad. 

5. Every once in awhile I see pictures of twins and I'm jealous that both my babies aren't coming in December. 

6. Current hobbies include snap chatting reviews making fun of the Bachelorette, and yelling at the tv during Master Chef Junior. 

7. Sometimes I wonder if I share too much, or should find a different outlet when things are stupid hard rather than posting about them. But really every single time my tribe likes/comments/commiserates with me and I feel better. 

8. Currently debating waking up Scott to see if he wants to go with me to go get stuff to make smores. It's 1:41am. 

9. Listening to Harry Potter before bed really calms me down and helps me sleep. 

10. It's July 1st! Month 2 of Summer hibernation! I was scrolling through the call log on my phone and it's filled with Dr's, Scott, my sisters, and my mom. 

11. During the holidays at Kneaders it was so stressful, by the time I hit December 1st I would only answer my phone for people I considered to be in Tier 1. Those people in #10 + family are Tier 1 currently.  All of the Dr's appointments and paperwork and worrying about the placenta is really just about all I can handle right now, it's not that I don't try and be social (I'm still trying!) but a lot of days what's on my plate is all the emotional energy I have to give. While I feel good about being able to recognize that, it also wears on me because I want to be a good friend, visiting teacher, etc. So if you're one of those people not mentioned know that I love you and keep trying. You never know when there's a good day we can take advantage of! So many emotions! 

12. I gave up on pretending to have all my baby updates all shiny and perfect. They really haven't been since week six, but I really like how they're coming together. Because they're honest and they're a real snapshot of what pregnancy was like for us. I do try and look for something that genuinely made me happy that week. 

13. This week that happy thing is realizing how much joy we get as a couple from doing hard things together. This pregnancy has been HARD. But dangit we're still laughing and planning and talking to the baby and enjoying the process. Because nothing makes us happier than knowing we're parents and we're working and fighting to get this baby home. We make a great team. 

***this blog is sponsored by pregnancy hormones and not being allowed any ADD meds until after the baby is done nursing. ***

15 Week Update

*UPDATE* No diabetes for me! Talked to the Dr. And everything came back clear. Wasn't even close to the line. We are thrilled to have one less thing to be worried about. 

I admit, I was kinda naive after we got pregnant. I kinda figured the hard part was over. Getting pregnant was supposed to be the hard part. Every time we would celebrate another month of being married we would joke "the hard part is over." Lately that's become our joke when we're handed a new hoop to jump through. 

 On Wednesday we met with our OB for the first time and it went really well. Both of us felt really comfortable with the Dr. And he took lots of time to make sure he answered all of our questions. 

We got to see our beautiful baby who is looking good and wiggly. And super healthy. Following the nutritionist's plan is paying off! Woohoo! 

We're pretty good at not freaking out until there's something confirmed to freak out about and having faith that it will all work out. So far it has. 

At the appointment we also learned that my placenta is covering my cervix. Which isn't a good situation for Mom. Baby would be just fine, but it causes a lot of complications at delivery. We have a very good chance of it moving on its own which is what we're hoping for. I posted a little bit about it on Facebook and there was an outpouring of support of friends who were in the same situation and everything worked out just fine for them. Which was a much better experience to read rather than reading about complications online. I highly recommend not looking up those complications. 

I get that our odds of things working out are pretty good, but I'm still very much feeling the anxiety and intensity of the situation. Right now things are not 100%,  and I will be nervous until things are in better shape. It's always that tough inbetween stuff that seems to get me into trouble. We will continue to meet with our regular Dr. And Nutritionist each month, but we will also be adding a Maternal Fetal Specialist about every two weeks. Lots of appointments and tests, but we have been in the whatever it takes to get the baby here safely camp since Day 1, and it looks like this is what it's going to take. 

In the ultrasound it kinda looks like Baby Daly is smiling like they're really proud of themselves. During the ultrasound they were putting on a show for us "hey Mom! Look what I can do!" I didn't think something the size of a pear could have such a big personality. I'm pretty crazy about having a firecracker come to our family. 

Maybe it's because I'm their Mom, but doesn't that smile look like they're proud of themselves? 

They also wanted me to go get tested for diabetes and discuss genetic testing. 

During fertility treatments I had to do tons of bloodwork. I'm pretty hard to get blood from, the needles don't really bother me. The poking and not getting any blood bothers me. Most of the time to get a good vein they have to take blood from my forearm or my hand. Neither of which are good places to get large amounts of blood from. Turns out my veins are really deep and they roll. 

Once we graduated to the OB I had to go do another bloodwork panel this time at a different place. Which turned out to be a miracle. Yvonne is a magic blood lady and managed to get a vein first try in the crook of my arm. The least painful spot. Yesterday when I had to do the glucose/diabetes test thankfully she was working again, and worked her magic and got it first try. It was a really big tender mercy for me to have her work on me. I really appreciate medical people who are really good at their jobs. 

I was kinda hoping that my bloodwork would show I was anemic because I am so stupid tired all the time. Everything came back looking 100%. In fact my Dr. Got super excited I was so tired. We are so close to getting out of the river, and I can't wait to have some energy back. One of the complications if the placenta doesn't move would be bed rest. Which at this point I don't know what I'm so scared of, we're pretty much there now. 

Looks like we'll be sticking to a steady diet of naps, water, and Drs. Apts. for now. 

But we have a healthy baby! 

Also I'm sorry for saying placenta so many times. 

Hurry up, and wait. Mental Toughness and learning a new kind of fight.

All my life I have had an insane competitive drive. I am an athlete, and for   20 years of my life countless hours were devoted to practice and working out and learning techniques like combat visualization to reach goals and championships. Learning how to work hard for a goal, and loving how it feels to reach a goal is invaluable. I applied these skills to college and my career. I knew what I needed to do to reach those goals. There was a period of time during my career where I was thrown into huge situation after huge situation and my mom reminded me that I thrived best in back against the wall type situations. My whole life I had been prepared for that. I knew what it's like to hold your breath and dig a little deeper to finish the fourth quarter. 

For the past year and a half I felt like I was stuck in that fourth quarter, but I had no idea how to finish that game. I didn't know how to fight for this goal because the whole thing was out of our hands. And I love the fight, because I know that given the chance to fight, I will either win, or I will be at peace with losing. The hardest thing about losing Baby B, was feeling like I didn't even have a chance to fight for them to survive. In the passing weeks I've realized that I fought like hell to get them here, to create them. To carry them as long as I did. That baby was real, and they are one of my biggest accomplishments. I've made peace with it. 

Knowing how fragile that can be taken away from me, my desire to fight, and to protect, and to get Baby A here safely is incredible. And while the future is unknown, I refuse to let anyone or anything put negativity into my life. I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with doubt. Getting this baby here safely is using every single ounce of mental toughness and energy I have. Which is why I'm grateful to surround myself with people who are supportive and excited for us. 

And with this being a completely different ball game I've learned that the fight and the work is different. It's about resting, and staying down when my body needs it. It's about not pushing myself too hard. This week the fight included going to the nutritionist and learning how to get Baby A all the nutrients they need to grow big and strong.  It means accepting that I'm not in control. 

I haven't blogged in awhile because we're very much in the Hurry up and Wait stage of the process for the 100th time. You hit a milestone and then it's more waiting. Which is important. It takes a long time to grow a human. Both Scott and I keep having dreams about what our sweet baby is going to be. I'm very excited that we'll find out what we're having in the next few weeks.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to be writing boring filler posts about our day to day. That means the baby is still growing, and still healthy and I'm not high risk. Which is very exciting for us! 

This really is the greatest thing we've ever done. We're living a daily miracle. :) 

On showing love

So fertility treatments were rough, but because we did them over and over again I learned what to expect and how to handle the side affects i.e. Naps on the stairs. Pregnancy is a whole new ball game. New being the most important word. I keep trying to make a proactive game plan with how to feel better, and then my body changes the next day. My Mom was telling me a story about a lady who when she had twins she spent all day nursing or pumping and my mom asked her how she was handling such a huge life change and she replied, "This is the best way I can show love for them." 

So that has become my motto as I've swallowed my pride and slept for 12hrs only to wake up for first naps. Because listening to my body is the best way I know how to show love for this baby we worked so hard for. 

On the to-do list for tomorrow: swallow pride that grocery shopping is the worst now and my body doesn't know what it wants to eat ever, but gets nauseous if we aren't eating. Do you think if I Pinterest that some meal ideas will come up? 

I think I've always known it was going to be a battle to get our kids here and that's okay. That's a fight I'll never give up. 

I'll get caught up on blogging about graduating from the fertility center soon, just needed to give myself a pep talk tonight that I'm doing what I'm supposed to. :) 

Dear Baby A,

Dear Baby A,

We've had a tough week haven't we? Mom wrote a letter to Baby B in her journal so this one is for you. I think we're both sad that we're going to have to wait a little longer for your best friend to join us. 

Last Mother's Day was really hard. I felt completely hopeless that we weren't going to figure out how to get you home. This year was bittersweet because Mom was so sad about Baby B, while equally just as happy you're still on your way. Mom prays for you a lot, and often, that you will grow big and strong and keep cooking for a lot longer. 

You and Daddy are the reasons Momma got through today. You are my reason to keep fighting for this dream. 

I've wanted to be a Mom since I was four years old. I even had a Mom birthday party when I turned four. We washed dishes (my favorite!) painted nails, and tended our babies. 

Mom had a realization in college that she needed to change some things in order to be the wife and mother she wanted to be. So she spent a lot of time working really hard to chase her dream of becoming a chef while she waited for the right time for you. (We needed our Daddy Bear!) I truly think that's why Heavenly Father made me as successful as I was as fast as I was. Because it was going to take everything Mom had to get you here safely and that dream of being your Mom was bigger than anything. 

Today to keep my spirits up I reflected on the different things I want you to know and all the wonderful things I hope to teach you. Here is some of my list. You'll have to learn the rest when you get here! 

1. God loves you and we love serving Him. 

2. Mom fought terribly hard to get you here. She will always be in your corner and will never stop fighting for you. 

3. Your Mom makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the world. 

4. You make sure your marriage is a priority, and you marry your best friend. You need a strong spouse to carry you when things get hard. 

5. I will most likely be the one to start a water fight and/or get the sillies with you when we're supposed to be serious. 

6. Everyone has something to give and it's really fun to be friends with all sorts of people. 

7. If you're a girl you'll get to learn all about how important eyebrow maintenance and pedicures are. 

8. We work hard so we can play hard. 

9. It's important to get dirty, steal home, and scrape a few knees. 

10. The importance of wrestling and playing with your siblings. 

11. And I hope you learn how fun it is to get so caught up in a project you make a huge mess just because your brain is moving so fast. 

All my love sweet Poppyseed, 

Momma