32 Weeks and Feeling It.

Baby boy is the size of a winter squash/pumpkin this week. He's over 4lbs now. He's busy looking around, practicing breathing, and grabbing whatever he can. 

It's going super fast and also slow lately. When the specialist said that if something didn't happen before they probably wouldn't let me go past 39 that really got my attention. Part relief to have a real end date in sight, and part nervous that this is actually happening.

October's checklist is basically finish everything so that if Baby came it would all be done, and finishing all the loose ends before November comes and we have tons of Drs appointments. More than we go now, crazy right? I am so grateful to still be pregnant, I honestly thought we would have a baby by now. While I'm prepared at every drs appointment to be told it's go time, I'm really enjoying the bonding time I'm getting right now. I know he's big enough to recognize our voices  and it makes my Mama heart swell to feel his big strong kicks during family prayer. Especially when we're praying for him that his umbilical cord continues to get him what he needs to grow big and strong. 

I love talking to him about how great Scott is, and about all the members of our extended family. Telling him how many people love him and are praying for him to keep growing. He loves it too he always moves more when I'm talking to him. 

I went over to my friend April's this week and she has a 15month old miracle little boy, and while I was holding him he would tap on my belly and my baby would try and kick back. It was the cutest thing ever. I'm guessing they were friends before, and Mr. T is so excited for his friend to join him down here. I know they're going to be the best of friends. 

I guess the theme of this week has been MOVEMENT! Baby, not me haha. I was so worried about kick counts, but in contrast from last week, Baby is getting so STRONG and never sleeps. He's strong enough to kick me awake at night. His other favorite trick is kicking my ribs and seeing how high he can get his feet. Scott tried putting his hand at the top of my ribs to encourage Baby to scoot his legs down so I could breathe better and Baby kicked Scott 4x in a row. Such a sasspot. 

We went to a class at the hospital on breastfeeding and Scott was sweet enough to come with me. It wasn't overly intense but we got so much good information. I've tried to read a couple books on it, but that just wasn't the right format for me. I'm really glad we went, and I'm so glad Scott came with me. I have no doubt once I get the hang of it it won't be a big deal, but it's really nice to know that Scott cares about as much as me and is so supportive. Highly recommend. 

We washed and folded all the baby clothes and got them put away this week. We have been given so many cute clothes! I can't wait to see our baby in them! They're so tiny!! Baby Boy has so many people who are spoiling him, I hope he knows how loved he is. Grandma & Grandpa Daly sent him a box of clothes in all sizes (which made us realize we should probably buy things in other sizes than newborn. Oops.) and they even sent him treats from their Alaskan cruise! 

We also started making a plan for the blessing in church for early next year, and family has started to book tickets to come! We are so excited to see everyone. This is our first Christmas where we aren't going anywhere, and it will definitely feel like Christmas to me to have family and a full house next year! 

We're headed to Car Seat Safety on Saturday and then have a Newborn Class next week. Classes are really our jam. I think we're both pretty good at going with the flow and figuring things out day by day, but we both get a thrill out of being overly prepared when a situation pops up. 

His nursery is just about done too, I was talking to my Mom awhile ago and she told me she wanted to pick a special present for each grandkid and not be locked into one specific thing each time. Which I'm all for, because she saw tepees at Target within days of me seeing them and brought it up as that could be their special present for Baby. I can't even handle it. I made a teepee with my best friend a few years ago and we even sold a couple! One of my first dates with Scott we played cards in the teepee. It was such a symbol to me of "I bet I could do that." After we moved here to Texas I gave it away to a happy grandma with kids to love on it.  We kept baby's teepee a surprise from Scott  and I facetimed my parents in today to see him unbox it. Pregnancy hormones basically make me a chihuahua. I was so excited I was shaking and crying haha. Scott loves it too and we got it set up in the nursery. I can't wait to read our little adventurer stories in it. I really hope we instill in him he can conquer the world.

I think both of us are feeling that it's not just going to be the two of us anymore. We both seem to be looking for excuses to spend more time together. Tonight the plan was to go to the AT&T store and get Tdap vaccines. (Which is what we've chosen for our family. We've researched it and have have decided this is what we want.) What should have been a few quick errands turned into a much longer adventure ending with dinner in the car discussing politics, our first date, and just holding hands. I really love our marriage. 

I've definitely hit the point where I'm sore and tired all the time. I sleep a lot and FaceTime my people. I'm still trying to get out and go places, but I really can only handle being out for 30-45mins. And it's supposed to get worse. So there's that. 😳. I was thinking a lot about how my limit is 30-45mins before I need to lay down. Church is so important to me, and I know that once baby gets here Church won't be able to happen for awhile with him being born during RSV/Flu season. So I have continued to pray that I can make it through all three hours and have enough energy to get put together before church and without fail, I have been able to make it through all three hours. Not just endure, but actually learning and being able to focus on the speakers and lessons. Sure I pack snacks and water and Scott has to hold onto me to get me to class so I'm more steady, but I make it. It means so much to me. It really recharges me and helps me make it through another week. Another miracle of this pregnancy. 

This coming week is our last relatively slow week before things really get amped up, so we're going to savor it. 

31 Weeks !

I've been keeping updates mostly to my Instagram lately mostly because the past six weeks have been survival mode and I try to limit the emotional breakdowns on Facebook to like two a year. It's just a smaller circle on IG. But the short version of the last six weeks my brain hit it's breaking point on not being able to have medication for my ADD for a year. And that combined with being 7-8months pregnant is a real party. Truly this year has been the hardest thing I've ever done.

I lay low most days physically exhausted, mentally exhausted and nausea headaches have made their return. I did discover that Wendy's by our house now serves the best ginger ale ever. I'm flirting with white trash with how often I go get one.


There certainly have been quite a few days where I worry I'm going to be stuck in my head and physically spent forever. Those are the worst days. But as soon as I hit the lowest of lows we have a Dr's apt. And I get to hear our sweet boy's heartbeat and see his sweet face. We continue to defy the odds that have been stacked against us since day 1. And it's worth it. Being down is not one of my best skills and I hate it, but it's working. This is what it's going to take to get a healthy baby here safely.

I get anxiety every time we go to the specialist. It has always been a possibility that we go to that apt, and they say it's time to have a baby right now and wheel me right to the hospital. We no longer have placenta previa. We're currently keeping a very close eye on the umbilical cord. A normal umbilical cord attaches to the center of the placenta where it is strongest. For some reason ours attaches on the very edge of the placenta. So my body has built some extra something (I wish I remembered what he said.) to keep things attached. Although the possibility of that becoming detached is small if that were to happen it would mean immediate delivery. The other issue is major blood vessels could be compressed and we would have a very high bleeding risk and/or it would/could cause some complications for our Little Man.

Today we were so lucky to hear that Baby Boy has nearly doubled his weight in 4 weeks. He's getting plenty of blood flow and nutrients from the cord! Which means that for now I'm just looking out for the usual symptoms that you would need to call your Dr. For. We see our regular dr in 10 days and then the specialist in three weeks. Once we make it to that specialist apt we will see both drs every week. The specialist also said that if something doesn't happen before 39 weeks we'll be induced. Which I'm pretty excited about. 39 sounds like a magical number to make it to. So we'll probably have a Thanksgiving Baby instead. Baby is kicking like crazy and I throughly enjoyed the ultrasound today watching him hiccup and feeling it at the same time. These pictures of his sweet face are just incredible to me. I think he looks like Scott already, and I'm not mad about that one bit. We already have chubby cheeks! With plenty of time to chunk up some more. Keep growing sweetheart!

Things are definitely getting real with how many medical appointments we've been keeping up with. We also threw the hospital registration, tour, and several classes into the mix. Oh! And we sold my car. It was hard to say goodbye for a couple hours, but then we found my new car and I'm not sad at all. It has all the features I want and is so comfortable. I'm so glad we pulled the trigger on that. The nursery is pretty much done, and some of my dear friends are throwing me a baby shower in a couple of weeks!

With how many things we've got going on, and the things we're crossing off the list it really feels like we're in go mode. 8 weeks. We've made it this far, surely we can make it these last few right?

25 Weeks!

I feel like we've hit the big time you guys. 25 is a lot of weeks! August was a complete blur so I haven't updated this blog much. 

Before we left on our big summer vacation we saw the specialist. 7:00am the morning we were supposed to leave. I think in my heart I knew we would be fine, but I really really wanted to see my family, and a bad appointment could really affect that. 

We were packed and ready with time to spare getting to the appointment which has to be a world record or something. I was even showered with my hair done! 

So there's two specialists at the practice we go to and we met with a new one. We really loved her. She was honest and too the point and answered all our questions in a way we could understand which I think is a really big deal in stressful situations. I didn't know that this appointment was going to include a lot of extra pictures and looks at Baby Boy's heart so my mind was definitely racing as they kept measuring everything, but turns out his heart is perfect. 

We had been praying every night for the placenta to move so I wouldn't be such a high risk pregnancy, and wouldn't you know it, it did. We asked her if I needed to do anything special to travel and she said to have a great trip. 

I could have cried. We have been working so hard to keep this little one growing and fighting the stupid anxiety of something going wrong everyday. To get all the green lights the day of vacation was such a special treat. 

But what I liked most about this specialist is when we asked her if this changed how often I was supposed to come in, she responded with keeping our same monthly plan, but she knows how hard we've worked for to get pregnant and how hard losing our other baby was she doesn't want to take any chances in making sure he gets here safely. It was exactly what I needed to hear. We really do have an incredible team working so hard to get him here safely. 

I have a running list of really great kisses I've had with Scott, but I've started a new list of really great hugs and holding on moments after the Dr. leaves the exam room. This was another one of those moments. 

As stupid hard as it has been to drag our babies out of heaven I wouldn't change it one bit. We have fallen even deeper into love with each other, and I couldn't be more proud to bring a child into a home filled with so much love. 

So right now he's head down and if you look closely at his chin that's the bottom of the placenta. Plenty of room for him to do his thing. 

We had a fantastic vacation with my family welcoming Rick home. This is a montage that Scott put together of the first week of our vacation.  If you follow me on Instagram you've probably seen and read a lot of my stories, so this is better than reposting all of those. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQDNy6NPkK0

About 10 weeks into our pregnancy I was folding laundry and got up too fast and my lower back popped. I called the specialist to see if I could go to the chiropractor, but due to the location of injury it was a hard No. We needed to wait until the baby was viable just in case. So really for the past four months it's only got worse. There are periods of time where I can't walk at all. Scott will put me in and out of the car, help me up the stairs etc. but today was the magic day. 

We went to the chiropractor this afternoon after asking him a hundred questions yesterday and it was awesome. It was probably the most painful adjustment I've ever had but it was so worth it. I think how loud the pops were, even got Scott's attention. After we were all done I stood up straight for the first time in months. Scott didn't have to help me into the car and I even tackled stairs on my own when we got home. We'll go back next week for another adjustment to check things because today was so intense, but I don't mind one bit. I feel great. With the addition of the chiropractor I see a Dr. of some sort each and every week. Little crazy but so worth it.

I'm not going to say things are getting easier because it'll jinx us, but they're definitely looking up. We are so grateful for a healthy baby, who continues to grow and beat all the things thrown in our way. He weighs 1.5lbs this week! Which is huge when you compare it to a poppy seed where we started. I'm so proud of him. 

December just can't get here soon enough. 

21 Weeks!!

I am thrilled that we are over the hump! We can finally count down now! 

     Knitting some baby pants. With our bump! It finally looks like a baby bump and not like I ate four burritos. Victory!

I posted in our social media update that I felt Baby Boy kicking and moving now and really since I posted that he's been going crazy. I've caught myself laying down more to get him to do it more. His personal favorites are when Mom's on her right side and when she's in her glider. He was kicking like crazy today so I put my hand on my belly and he kicked hard enough to feel it on the outside. I am really looking forward to Scott getting to feel his kicks. 

I really feel like my love for Scott has doubled since we found out we're having a boy. They already have such a special bond. Our A/C had a new problem this week and Scott figured out how to fix it on his own. (I don't know why it still surprises me when he pulls off stuff like this. He's just that smart.) I was telling Scott how much I appreciated him making sure the a/c worked so I would be comfortable and he told me how excited he was to teach our boy all these important life skills. I knew I picked a good man to raise our kids with, but he continues to blow me away. I was telling Scott last night how excited I was to get him away from everything for vacation and while he's excited too, he teased back that he could rest when he's retired.

Last night we were in a funny spot because I was feeling bad that I haven't been able to get up and go and help more and he's been picking up the slack without complaint. And he was feeling bad, worried about me because I couldn't do what I wanted to. (I still like being a do-er. Even when I'm restricted.) 

We both had to laugh. What a great problem to have in a marriage to both be overly worried about your spouse's needs. 

I'm feeling really good about getting to go on vacation, but we definitely have some questions for the specialist before we go. Unfortunately our latest trick is all of a sudden I can't walk because of sciatica/round ligament pain. It usually goes away after a few hours of laying down, but it's really humbling to me to feel like a cripple and crawl up the stairs and have Scott kinda scoop me from one place to the next. I asked early on in the pregnancy to be allowed to go to the chiropractor, but that was off the table until the baby was bigger. I'm really hoping to get permission, every time I roll over or climb stairs my hips pop *loudly* in and out of place. I have a theory (not Doctor confirmed.. Yet.) that maybe because both baby and placenta are so low the weight from both is really doing a number on my hips. But we've got to find a solution because both baby and placenta are only going to get bigger and heavier. I do know it will get better before Christmas. ;) but I imagine our Scott would appreciate not having to worry when I try to drive and tracking our location to see if I'm going to need him to come retrieve me.  I told you, he's the best. 

The first time it happened I had a meltdown thinking I wasn't going to get to go see my family. And even writing that out makes me tear up. It's been two years since all six of my siblings have been together and it's pretty much like Christmas. Since Baby Boy is coming for the holidays this will be our last trip, and I just have to be there. I won't go if it's not safe for the pregnancy, so I've had lots of conversations with Baby Boy telling him we need to work together and how much he's going to love going to the family reunion. There is plenty out of my control, but positive self talk and talk to the baby I can do. 

Baby looks a lot like he's going to when he's born, he's just working on chunking up the next 18 weeks and 6 days. He's growing hair and working on sucking his thumb. 

This week I was reflecting on how hard it's been to get pregnant and get through this pregnancy, and I'm so glad it's been so hard. We were madly in love before, and that has really just grown. We have learned to depend on each other and how to serve each other. It's been a fun challenge to figure out how I can best serve Scott when our life is anything but ordinary or what I'm used to. Sometimes the best thing he needs is for me to rest and not push it. Hard lesson to learn but doable. 

 I really don't think we've been happier. We are so excited for this adventure and we're having so much fun shopping for this sweet boy. And I know we would do it a hundred times over to get him here. 

 

A crash course in Motherhood, grief, and Mom guilt.

**Today I want to write about our Baby B. I write because of the chance that someone somewhere could really need this. My cousin lost her sweet baby boy and blogged about how there isn't as much voice from those that have experienced loss, and it really encouraged me to tell our story and how we're doing. Because reading her story gave me light and hope. I hope to pass that on. But if this is not your thing I would encourage you to skip it. This has been a collection of thoughts over the past few months.**

I knew it was twins. Call it mother's intuition or a prompting or something, but I knew. As I was praying this pregnancy was viable I felt like it's okay to say babies. There's more than one. The next morning was the ultrasound and immediately I saw both of our babies. I was thrilled. Aside from our wedding day, I think that was the happiest I've ever been. We immediately announced and got to planning.

I mean come on. How cute are my two babies?! 

 When we lost Baby B a few weeks later, I was devastated. I AM devastated. While we were surrounded with love and support, I was blown away by the few comments of "well at least there's still one." Which I admit I let it get to me, because I know plenty of people waiting and praying for a baby of their own. How selfish am I for wanting two? Or the assumption that because we lost them during the first trimester that they weren't real. That they didn't matter. I wanted to yell I HAVE TWO BABIES! But that's not how it looks now does it? And who possibly knows what to say to someone going through this situation? I don't even know what I would want someone to say to me. Nothing can be said to change the situation. Medically Dr's told me that if this was going to happen this was the best time. In fact, this was common!  Medically for the health of everyone involved sure. But don't try and explain that to my heart. I would have been in bed for nine months to get both babies here safely. That's the reality. I would have done anything, but that wasn't my option. I fought for them from the beginning, and did everything possible to keep them here. But it wasn't their time to come.  It looks like I have one baby. But I have two. We have two. And I will defend that for eternity. That is our child. And they are real, and they matter. 

When I think about Baby B I float between sadness, anger, and sometimes jealousy. Sometimes when I see pictures of twins or a commercial. I tear up. Sometimes I cry a lot about how badly I miss our sweet baby. I was so grateful for a Sister in Law to give me the heads up we'll still see Baby B on our ultrasounds for awhile. That was hard for me to stomach. And to see. But you have so many mixed emotions. You get to see them, which I loved for about a second,  but then they're right next to their sibling who is growing. As hard as it was to see that it made it so clear to my heart that it wasn't their time yet. Because of our complications (separate from our lost twin) I've had quite a few more ultrasounds than a normal pregnancy. I admit that even still there's a small piece of me that hopes at every ultrasound the Dr. Is going to say, "Surprise! There's baby #2!" But it isn't going to happen. 

I bought matching Harry Potter onesies for our babies when we found out they were twins, because I wanted them to let their imaginations run wild and feel the magic of love and good conquering evil. (So many good values in those books.) As nerdy as it is, we found out we lost one of our twins on the anniversary that Molly Weasley lost one of her twins. Someone tweeted about it that day and that really set me off. Magic couldn't even bring him back. And magic couldn't even bring back our baby. I often listen to Harry Potter to help me sleep at night, it calms me down. When I told Lindsay about the coincidence she pointed out that that was why there are so many things in the world. Because Heavenly Father uses countless ways to talk to his children. For me, on that hard day, it was Harry Potter, and looking back on that it's a tender mercy. 

We were put in such a weird situation. I don't handle loss, death or grief well at all. I hold onto grief and loss for a long time. I have always been a very compassionate person, and this is a catch-22 of that trait. I am grateful that in this situation of losing my own child I have felt understanding much quicker. The grief is not a daily battle to fight. I admit I felt really guilty a week after it happened and I had stopped crying every day. How would my baby know how much I loved them if I was happy and at peace with what happened? It took a lot to recognize that that was the best for me. And being happy and at peace is what was supposed to happen. 

This is where the Mom Guilt comes in. As upset as I was when we found out, I didn't think I had time to grieve. Which made it worse. I still had a bouncing baby in my belly to take care of, and double the anxiety to not lose them too. I was so grateful for the advice to be upset about Baby B, to stay in bed all day and be sad. That Baby A would understand that Baby B needed my emotions more. 

I have a sliver of understanding of how Mom's feel being happy for one child and sad for the other because I've been there. That it's okay to buy Baby A outfits and celebrate their growth milestones while crying every once in awhile that we have to wait a little longer to love on Baby B. 

After it happened one of my best friends told me her theory was that Baby A needed Baby B to hold their hand to come down to Earth, but it just wasn't time for Baby B to come yet. It was a very sweet visual to picture our babies loving each other so much to hold hands to get to us. 

The other really great advice I got from someone who has lost a baby was to let yourself feel it and don't be mad at yourself for feeling it. There are so many emotions to fight through, and turns out you can't control them at all, but it gets better. We are doing so much better, it has brought us so much closer together as a couple and I really think we've grown a lot. I'm sure we're borderline obnoxious with how many little things we celebrate and post on social media with our little boy. But it's necessary, and I think in part it's helping us grieve, because we know how fragile pregnancy is and it can be taken away from us quickly.  We are choosing joy. 

I have zero doubt that we will get to raise Baby B, what a sweet reunion it will be to have all four of us together again. 

I think writing all of this out really put my heart in a vulnerable place. An unplanned discussion popped up tonight about Baby B and I think as Scott and I discussed what we were both feeling it was both healing and left us both vulnerable. And then Scott said something that I had felt for a long time and it filled that hope bucket right to the brim. It was so healing to know our hearts were in the same place. On the same page. Isn't it funny how you can be full of peace, hope, and sadness at the same time? 

Laying awake tonight trying to finish processing our conversation I stumbled onto this quote, and I'm adding it to my Tender Mercy bucket. 

We love you sweet Baby B, we will not give up the fight to get you to our arms safely. We both have a feeling you'll be coming home to us as quick as possible. You've already taught us so much, and we can't wait to see what else you have in store for us. We'll miss you every day we're waiting. We love you! 

Love, 

Mom & Dad 

Parents of the cutest twins.