Saturday, August 4, 2018

24 Weeks

It’s been a tough week. Making it to 24 weeks is such a big accomplishment for us. 24 weeks mean viability for the baby and if something were to go wrong the Drs could actually intervene. We technically aren’t 24 weeks til Tuesday, but the mind games and anxiety of hitting that milestone have really been wearing on me, and it’s July. It’s hit as high as 118 somedays and that means we can’t go outside. Evan is a runner and I love that he’s so active, but I can’t chase him six months pregnant in 118 degree heat. Even at the pool, he loves to run and explore out of the water.  I think this pregnancy I’m a lot more honest with myself, and I’m very cautious. It’s been a really healthy pregnancy and I’ve worked hard for that, but with everything going wrong getting Evan here I can’t help but think something is going to happen. Mentally my anxiety has been winning the battle a lot. I’ve cried a lot to Scott over a variety of things. Mean librarians to haircuts. He’s so good to me, I don’t know how I got so lucky. I’ve gone to my Moms a couple times and she’s come up here. I think when I’m in such a vulnerable place I need people I trust to not judge and love me anyway. I’ve made a couple of Mom friends and I don’t think they would judge me, I’m just cautious as to how much I can handle taking Evan out solo. It sounds silly writing it all out, but mentally it’s just been hard lately. 

I pieced a quilt when I was loaded up on fertility drugs and should have been getting ready to move cross country, but a creative project was survival for me. I don’t handle change well when I’m off my ADD meds and on top of that getting pumped full of fertility drugs and moving cross country I was trying not to have a breakdown. Mom encouraged me to start working on the quilt again and it’s made me so happy. I’ve been trying lots of different things to pull myself out of this funk and wouldn’t you know it, the quilt did it. I have a tendency to be hard on myself because getting pregnant, staying pregnant and delivery is hard on me. Just a lot of why aren’t I better at this? Why is it so hard? Even if that’s not fair, I struggle with that. Having this quilt and getting compliments on it has made me feel so much better about myself. Gosh, writing this all out feels vulnerable. 

I’ve also been trying to communicate better with everyone around me. Right now family get togethers are pulling me through, and alone time away from Evan. I’m still working on finding a go to baby sitter here and sometimes Mom needs a break. I asked my brother and sister in law to come spend the night with Evan for our anniversary this week and Scott booked a really nice hotel. We’ve never done that before!  I’m looking forward to a nice dinner just us, swimming, and sleeping in. And then the next week we’re going to St. George! I’m so excited to go see Fred & Gayle, I really love our relationship, and this is exactly what I wanted with moving closer. They came and visited us and now we get to go see them. I really want our kids to have those special relationships with their Grandparents and spending more time together makes that easier. 

I’m feeling better and having things to look forward to are so needed right now. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of this funk. Everyone around me is so understanding, but I think our home is more peaceful when Mom is happy and fun and herself. Pregnancy is so humbling for me, but I love my kids so it’s very worth it. Hopefully these slug it out weeks are coming to a close. 



Sunday, March 25, 2018

Hey Baby!

Well we pulled it off. We moved cross country and tackled a lot of other challenges in the process. Especially with me in a medically compromised position. Infertility was just as fun the second time around. 

Last October I was sitting in Sacrament meeting and I burst into tears. I don’t know what was being taught or spoken about. I had an overwhelming feeling one of our kids was sad and upset because they missed us so much. It ripped my heart out right then and there. We knew we wanted our kids close, but Evan wasn’t even a year old yet. I told Scott what I was feeling and he told me he felt the same way. 

It’s no secret that getting Evan here wasn’t a walk in the park. We lost Baby B, and nearly lost Evan and myself. Not something we take lightly at all. I had a lot of conversations with my Heavenly Father about if I was strong enough to do this again so soon. It took several months of promptings, prayers, blessings, and some insane courage to say okay. I had an inkling when Evan was a newborn that our next baby would be ready before I was. I was grateful I had lost 60 pounds headed into this. I had trained for this. 

We told both our families we were doing treatments. We needed as many prayers as we could get. I even posted about it on twitter. I needed support. 

We started our first round only for the meds to stop working two weeks in. We were able to catch it before we had to cancel the procedure, but my Dr. started me on a double dose of meds that day. Two weeks of 7.5mg Femara and then when we stalled, she started us on 12.5mg of Femara. All while putting our house on the market. I thought my body was going to explode with the stacked drugs. 

Evan accidentally kicked my stomach/side at church and I let out a little scream and burst into tears. I could hardly get to the car. Scott got our family home and I laid in bed crying the rest of the day. The drugs were too much for my body, and the next day at the ultrasound we found out why I was in so much pain. Without the trigger shot my body had launched into overdrive and ovulated multiple eggs on its own. We had to cancel the IUI. We missed it.

I cried angrily to my Heavenly Father. I’m doing my best! This baby is supposed to come! I’m running out of time with my Drs. I love my team. We would have to wait a few months to get set up in Phoenix to try again. I’m trying to say goodbye to all my friends and I can’t get out of bed. During the 18 months it took to get pregnant with Evan I was so positive and game faced with my head down. So positive. 

I think Heavenly Father needed to bring me down a little and humble me. Hands down that was the hardest round I’ve ever done. A failed round suddenly made it a reality that giving Evan siblings might not happen or be hard. 

Grateful for friends who offered to take Evan and bring dinner. And be my cheerleader. 


Somewhere in the middle of the anger and pain I had an overwhelming feeling that Hope & Faith would be easier. 

Scott gave me another blessing. We went to Toys R Us and bought our miracle boy whatever we wanted. And spoiled or not it healed our hearts. We rallied. We got an offer on our house and realized that the closing date would give us just enough time to do another round. 

This time it worked perfectly. 

12.5mg Femara, extra ultrasounds. We had three good sized follicles but at our extra ultrasound one follicle dominated at 23mm and three (another grew) 14mm. Anything over 18 is ideal for triggering. We did the trigger shot knowing we would probably only have one follicle go. With Evan & Baby B we triggered 4 follicles. 

Fingers crossed! 

Happy little owl timer. 

We did the IUI and it went perfectly. I was on bedrest for two days and started the Devil Progesterone. And we moved five days later with me not being allowed to lift anything. 

After getting to Phoenix late Wednesday, camping in our house til Sunday when our stuff got delivered. Monday unpacking. Scott flying out to Texas Monday night. Tuesday was another run in with the fire department. (Everything’s fine) Wednesday I got up early to take Evan to my sister Kristin’s 45mins away to do bloodwork. Because of the time change my Dr didn’t get our results Wednesday. 

Wednesday night my baby sister opened her mission Call to the Philippines. 

Thursday morning we used the time change to our advantage and called our nurse Caitlin at 6:30am Arizona time. Scott and I conference called the fertility center. 

“I just pulled it off the fax AND YOU’RE PREGNANT!!!!”

We both sobbed. 

My HCG was 85. 

Anything over 30 is pregnant. 

With our twins it was 56. 

Two days later we did more bloodwork and it was supposed to double. 

247.

Nearly tripled!!!!!

We are officially pregnant. 





God is so good. 


We have a lot of plans to survive this pregnancy and hopefully thrive. Our new house has a lap pool two minutes away. Water calms my anxiety and I want to be strong. I would like to avoid bedrest as much as possible. It broke my heart not to be able to lift my meatball. We have plans to see a counselor to give us emotional tools to combat a traumatic delivery. And best of all. This time we’re close to family. 

I’m already sick. Thrown up a couple times, and the Progesterone is still beating me down pretty bad, but honestly I couldn’t be more grateful. We listened, we fought, and there is a miracle baby(ies) in my tummy right now. 

We won’t know if that big follicle split til we have an ultrasound at about 6.5weeks. But one or two we’ll take them all. 

We love you baby, we’ve missed you too. ❤️❤️


Update: April 6th, 2018 

One, healthy strong, beautiful baby!!! I was terrified this morning going into the ultrasound. My sweet Scott was excited. My HCG had gone up to 4,309 at my third pregnancy test. With our twins at the third pregnancy test my HCG was 981. I don’t ever want to feel what it’s like to have to give my baby back to God again. Completely out of my control, but my deepest worry in my Momma heart. I think we were both relieved to see one perfect baby. 

My dear sister Kristin drove an hour to take care of Evan so Scott could go with me. She had him playing chase before we left and it made my heart explode. I’ve had quite a few down days already and we both needed some playtime for him badly. 

We staged a photo shoot as soon as we got home. Evan consumed a surprising amount of flour using a whisk as his spoon, and we had a blast. 

Grateful, excited and nauseous. 

We’re having a baby!! 








Sunday, February 11, 2018

5 Things

Scott

1. Has parked six different cars in our driveway this week thanks to his getting repaired, and us replacing the family car. 

2. Is a real estate enthusiast, constantly keeping tabs on our neighborhood as we get ready to list the house. 

3. Staying very busy with his calling at church. He loves it.

4. Has already started working on projects for his Phoenix team and can hardly wait to move to his new office. 

5. Has told me not to make any plans for this week, because he’s got some stuff planned. I’m very excited.


Jess

1. Ordered a bunch of Torani Sugar Free Syrups and makes some mean flavored water. Ha.

2. I only have four rows left on my quilt. I’m hoping to finish the top before it’s time to pack up the house.

3. Spending as much time with my Texas friends as possible. Goodbyes are hard for me. 

4. Lots of audiobooks - my latest favorite was The All Girls Filling Station by Fannie Flagg. My mother in law read it for her book club and I loved it. 

5. Getting excited to decorate a new house in Phoenix, really enjoyed buying a few things to get our house staged. We’ve set aside a decorating budget for Phoenix and I feel so fancy. 



Evan

1. This kid is hysterical. He’s learned how to say Shoes and it’s so cute. I wish he would say it all day. 

2. Had his 15 month check up and is projecting to be over six feet tall. So proud of my big healthy boy. 

3. Is learning how to clap, and this week we figured out how to open our hands when Mom helps us clap. 

4. Starts his own games of peekaboo with you and will hide behind you or a door. Lots and lots of giggles. 

5. Absolutely obsessed with the movie Brave. He sings along to the bagpipes, cheers for the Momma Bear to beat Mordu and squeals with delight with the Pixar lamp pops out. 


We’re kinda in awe how smooth Scott’s company has made relocating, it’s like we’re in fast forward slow motion. Neither of us have been professionally moved before. It’s been really sweet to have so many less worries and stress, we’ve really been able to focus on spending time with our good friends. 

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Church Saga: In three parts.

Hour 1.

Since Evan was born I’ve very quickly realized we’re in the just trying to be faithful category and less of the learning and retention category.

1pm church is not for the weak. 

We prepare like we’re about to play the Super Bowl. We know he isn’t going to get an afternoon nap. So we push off his morning nap as long as possible so maybe he could just have one big nap? Right. The diaper bag is loaded and could feed a third world country. 

Snacks. Toys. Diapers. Bottles. The whole shebang. 

But we know. We know no amount of preparation is going to stop it from being a brawl for three hours. 

Harmless, right? What could one little person pull off?




It really is like trying to hold a tornado. No matter what direction you’re holding him, he wants to look the other direction. He scored perfect 10s in arched back, dive bombing today. 

I tweeted this as we were walking into church today. 

Do you ever look at your baby as your walking into church and see the fire in their eyes? Me too. He has an agenda. I know it.


I knew he was going to take this round. 

As we were sitting in the metal chairs we let Evan crawl around on the floor. It starts with him poking his head through the hole in the seat in front of us. No matter how many times he does this, he is always shocked when his big melon head gets stuck. 

Then someone walks out. 

Evan’s head whips around like a hawk and sees his target. He takes off full crawling sprint to the outside. Thankfully he’s not strong enough to push open the door. Despite pulling himself up and slapping it. So he’s back to crawling and realizes he’s hit the open field and takes off for the back of the gym. 

Oh yeah, this is while they’re passing the sacrament so it’s superrr quiet. So I climb over Scott in heels and swoop in and pick up Evan and walk to the back of the gym. After Evan has made it really clear he will not be held I put him down like an idiot. Within five seconds he eats it and hits his head on the floor loudly and lets out a huge scream. So I scoop him up and bolt for the door. Just trying to get out. 

Only I threw the door open and hit an old man like a linebacker. 

So immediately I start apologizing, but Evan’s screaming and we gotta go. (Thankfully he said it hit his hand and he was just fine. Oops.) 

We settle down and after the sacrament is over we head back in. We play for a few minutes and Scott takes Evan out to change his diaper. 

We’ve made it 37 minutes. 

They came back in and we start to relax. We’re playing toys, we’re having a snack, it’s okay. 

10 minutes to go and we are in total meltdown mode. I have unstuck Evan from the chair in front of us for the 957th time and we’re in trouble. Scott frantically starts to make the bottle while I hold Evan and bounce him. I grab the bottle and a burp cloth and my phone in case I need to text Scott. Leaving the sacred diaper bag of truth and light. 

We make it to the Mother’s Lounge and have the room to ourselves. He drinks about 4oz and decides it’s time to explore. So I let him and just sit for a minute. There’s a full length mirror in there and he pulls himself up so he can slap it and talk to himself. His favorite. Totally normal. 

Until he projectile vomits all over the mirror, himself, and the floor. But the diaper bag is in the chapel and I’m not going back for it and leaving this mess. Cleaned it all up with paper towels and by then he starts making his pooping sounds. I figure he’s pooped and by then Sacrament is over so I go back to meet Scott and get the diaper bag. I change him (no poop! It was a fakeout!) and Scott heads to his meeting. 

Hour 2.

Being the FAITHFUL MOTHER I AM. I attempt Sunday School. I sit down next to my friend who offers to scoot down a chair in case we needed more space. 

“It’s really okay, I give us 30 seconds before we have to leave. We’re just trying to be faithful, not really here for retention.” 

We made it five minutes. 

Out in the hall with another head bonk. 


Evan’s favorite thing right now is to hold my hands and walk/run as fast as he can. In heels and 96% humidity I am bent in half letting him walk us all over the building. 

We walk laps for the rest of the hour. Because being picked up has resulted in more arching of the back and a well placed throat punch. He’s got a plan. He’s got places to see. He doesn’t want to be held. 

Hour 3. 

I meet up with Scott and say maybe we need to call it. He’s exhausted. 

Scott volunteers to take Evan to his class and if it’s a disaster we’ll call it. 

I enjoy my class and as we’re getting ready to say the closing prayer I notice Scott and Evan in the window of the doorway. 

Scott has a look on his face of do not talk to anyone and get in the car. We gotta move.

I get to Scott and he informs me that Evan has unloaded in his diaper and there are no more diapers in the diaper bag. 

Hour 4.

FOURTH QUARTER FOURTH QUARTER FOURTH QUARTER 

We hustle to the car and wrestle the belligerent octopus into the car seat. 

The humidity. The smell. 

But then we start to relax on the drive. 

Scott offers to take the diaper and I check on dinner. 


JESS WE HAVE A SITUATION!! 

So I go into the living room. 

We’re talking neck. Up to his neck. 

It’s carpet so Scott puts what he’s got from the diaper on the Sunday newspaper like a puppy. 

And I call it. 

I just grab Evan by the armpits and march him upstairs to the tub. 

But now we need to wrestle his Sunday shirt off of him. That’s covered. Covered. 

I’m so glad I insisted on the Oxford shirt onesie that’s so hard to get on and off. 

In the wrestle to get the shirt off Evan pees on me. And the bathroom rugs. 

And I busted up laughing. We both did. It really was a hysterical mess. I have zero expectations that a 10month old can sit quietly for three hours, but today was really a prime performance. 

Two bathwater changes later we had ourselves a clean bean and a running washing machine. And all was right in the world.

(He looks sweet, but I know he saves his blowouts for church. He has his entire life. All day Saturday I try and get him to go. Sunday morning comes. Nothing. I know its coming. It's going to happen at church. And he's sooo proud of himself. I'm on to your little game meatball.) 


We’re all looking forward to General Conference next week and church at home. 


The funniest part of the whole thing was after everything was cleaned up we high fived and complimented each other on how well we handled the day and the situation. 




I think he won this round 😂. 





Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Wednesday Night

It’s been a crazy week over here. Big adulting decisions are possibly in the works, and energy/emotions are high over here. (Can’t say for awhile, but hopefully good news soon.) 

I can’t believe the last time I updated our family blog was January. I keep a pretty good record with Instagram and our Chatbooks, but tonight I wanted to write. 

Evan is 25lbs of raw personality. He’s just the sweetest, funniest kid. I’m really loving our relationship right now. We’re also to the stage where he’s into everything. Crawling, grabbing, pulling himself up on things. It’s really so fun to watch him explore. But at the same time this stage has pulled more heart strings than before. I have been noticing him getting bored or frustrated with me. I come up with lots of games and activities, but I can’t help but feel somethings missing. I know what’s missing. He’s such a social baby. I’ve got good Mom friends and we like to have play dates. But in my Mother’s intuition I know he’s missing his best friend. 

I know that twins would have physically killed me. But putting that aside, it’s really been hurting lately that I couldn’t give that to Evan. Siblings are a ways off too, due to the damage pregnancy did to my body. And I can rationalize all day that this was God’s plan. But on a feelings level I miss our Baby B. We had months before Evan’s arrival to come to terms with our situation, but lately I’ve found myself missing this sweet baby more because now I know what I’m missing. It’s far too grey of a situation to make black and white of it. 

We bought more toys for Evan this week which was really fun, and he loves them. A light up table he can push around. Not what we bought it for, but he loves using it for that. A little Star Wars Tsum Tsum, and some hideous dinosaur that he’s obsessed with. 

We thought of a cute family Halloween costume and I’m looking forward to going to the fabric store and starting to sew for Evan. One of those things that makes you feel like a real mom. I’m so grateful for him, and our relationship. He knows when I need a big hug or a slobbery open mouth kiss. 

Lately he’ll sing back to me when I sing to him. And we sound awful, but I love it so much. 


I don’t think I had any clue how many emotions you can have in a day as a Mom. 

This post seems scattered, mostly because I don’t know how to express my feelings about Baby B. It’s a tender and sacred experience for me and I’m not sure what the right answers are. This blog isn’t supposed to be just about them, but writing has always been therapeutic to me. 


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