Angels and Hydrangeas

Welp. Tomorrow's the big day. (Thursday)I've been much calmer this time around as far as the anxiety of the results go. It's been far too consuming getting a handle on the rage and the crying. So I guess yay for a distraction? This time has felt so different, I feel like the progesterone is working more because I'm having a harder time, and maybe it feels like it's working because it's actually supporting the baby(ies) inside of me. 

Fertility treatments have presented hormonal combinations most people can't even dream of for Scott to navigate.  I hope we have four daughters, because Scott is the most level headed man I know. Teenage girls need that. He came home from work to an angry wife because I was so upset it's so expensive to clean my wedding dress, and I want to make a blessing dress out of it for the daughter we don't have yet. But we've been spending money on fixing our flowerbed which is something I really want. Scott very sweetly told me that even if that's not the first thing on the list he would make sure that we get it done and our daughter would have her dress. So then I cried because it was sweet, and then we went and worked on the dirt patch. It was finally all prepped with the right dirt but this month's flowerbed budget for the project was spent all on dirt. Which is what we agreed to. We made a fantastic gameplan for our finances a couple of months ago so we're both happy and both get a chunk to save or spend every two weeks. I love it. It's really so gratifying to stay in the budget.  (Gosh this is carrying on.) 

But my Mom sent me this. 

Money for flowers! It was so fun! We ran to Lowe's and I got to pick out my flowers for Easter and it filled my lonely heart right to the brim. 

We planted while I listened to Women's Conference and after I was done I posted a picture saying I had been struggling lately, but tonight really cheered me up. A good friend from Girls Camp commented and invited me to lunch on Tuesday. We had the BEST time today. We sat and talked for three hours before we realized what time it was. I really needed that today and I needed her. 

But on Sunday a sister came up to me and told me she was trying to talk herself out of this, but she really felt like I needed a hug. She said she had noticed my post and that she thought she may have struggled with what I was struggling with and pointed to her four kids and said they took a really long time to get here. But there is hope. I could have melted right there. Sisterhood is a powerful thing. I don't think I stopped talking about it all day. It was such a tender mercy for me. 

Infertility can feel so lonely trapped in your mind. I didn't even publicly announce we were struggling with this and these women just knew. Knew I needed some hope and some strength this week. I am not alone, and I am going to be a mother. 

Now to get through the next 36hours. 

Oh and crazy town dream update. I bought some new emotional aromatherapy blends from Doterra and one is really helping calm my anxiety so I can sleep better, and I tried this other one on Scott and he's stopped sleep talking! How cool is that? Dreams have toned down a bit, but if you're wondering if I can take down a terrorist trying to get to my girls at girls camp I totally can. 

Progesterone is the Devil

So they put me on Progesterone after the  IUI to thicken my lining and hopefully help the baby stick. 

I don't know why last time it wasn't this awful, but I have finally found the fertility drug crazy I was trying so hard to avoid. 

I am angry all the time and then I'm crying over the stupid insurance commercial because the kid learned how to ride a bike. 

Like so irrationally angry I've had to catch myself multiple times from comment ranting against stupid activists trying to take Sea World away from me. 

But that's not even the worst part I have these terrifying anxiety inducing dreams. I've woken up screaming, and it's just awful. Sleep was stressful for me before and now it's just the worst. 

I'm grateful to be able to at least realize that I'm not myself because of all of these side affects. Today was a battle. I am trying so hard to feel happy or at least find a plan to survive these. I know how important these are and pray they're doing their job. 

I cleaned house today and spent an hour at the gym. It might be a little miserable right now, but I'm going to put up a fight. 

Please stick baby. Mama's struggling. 

Progress!

Sunday was a really great day. When we went in on Friday Dr. James found a follicle on each side. They were each only 14mm and that's on the small side. It was a little bit of a battle to not question whether or not I should have traveled, if I should have been taking it easier etc. she wanted to do another ultrasound on Sunday to make sure they were still growing. They were both 17mm on Sunday and then she found two more little guys averaging about 13-14mm apiece. So now we have four! This was so reassuring to me. The chances of all four taking are pretty much slim to none but now we have FOUR chances of this working and we're ecstatic! 

Averages of the smaller follicles. 

This time felt different, as the first one popped up on the screen the Dr. Said "This looks promising!" I am so glad we needed this second ultrasound. My follicles have been growing more like 1ish mm a day instead of the normal 2mm a day. Which could be the reason it hasn't worked yet. They were too small when we triggered possibly. 

I'm headed in bright and early to get my *hopefuly* last trigger shot. Then on Wednesday we'll go in first thing in the morning for the procedure. This one feels so different and we're both in such high spirits. 

I had to snap this one of Scott today. I was resting and he snuggled up to me and put his hand on my tummy and started talking to the follicles giving them a game plan of what they needed to do this week. It was so sweet. I really like him, and I hope those follicles listened! 

It's go time! 

Day 10

Being the crazy people we are, we decided to start the next round of drugs the day before going to Dayton to see my family for a week. Usually when I'm on them I spend a good portion of time on the couch or in my bed. We decided to play it by ear, but I was so determined to not let them affect me while we were with family. That time is precious and I didn't want to be left out on the couch while everyone was having fun. I prayed a lot and made sure I was two steps ahead of the headaches and nausea. 

We really had a fantastic time and I totally rocked it! Possibly the best I've felt while on the Femara. It nearly made my heart burst to play basketball for an hour with my dad and siblings just like when I was little with no problems. That day we went for a hike ( the big hill was tough but I made it without anyone but Scott noticing I was having a hard time.) and then a couple hours later the girls did 45mins of Refit Rev (Dance Aerobics). Huge physical day for me and I did it. The whole trip we were moving and shaking and there really was only time for one nap, which I definitely took advantage of. I had the Tylenol close by, and snacked often. Usually my best defense against the stupid nausea headaches. 

I feel a little piggish because I need to snack often to keep the nausea away and eating more than normal stresses me out. Thankfully my super healthy sister brought all sorts of healthy organic snacks to try and the other sister planned wonderful healthy menus. I left with a list to stock up on healthy snacks. Because if I need to snack more it's not going to be junk. 

My efforts to keep up with the rest of the pack finally wore off when we got home. I slept for 10.5hrs last night. Totally wiped. Good news is everything worked as planned and the trip was a perfect distraction. We're headed into the dr on Friday morning to see how many follicles we have. I'm guessing we'll trigger on Monday and do the procedure on Tuesday. 

I told Scott tonight that I won't miss this "Fertilty Fog" when this is over. I've started juicing again to give myself more energy and that's been working. But 99% of the time I feel like my body and mind is in a fog. Always tired, always moving slow. I know pregnancy will come with its own set of issues, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. 

Onward and upward! Come on Friday! 

IUI #2

This weekend I put myself in survival mode. It has been such a blessing to have more people know we are struggling through this and supporting us. I didn't really know how to process that it didn't work. I sent out two word texts of "No Baby" turned my phone off and cried, and napped, and ate pizza. Church was tough, I half ran between classes to find my seat quickly. I didn't want to rehash it again and again. To the dear sister who sat by me and wanted my pork roast recipe instead of talking about this you were a tender mercy for me. I hustled from Sunday School to sacrament to find Scott as quickly as possible. I just wanted to hold his hand and not be alone. More people knowing truly is a blessing and a strength and a support, I'm afraid I just didn't know how to explain it didn't work and I was heartbroken and still have emotional energy to handle the conversation. But I AM grateful for the support of everyone and the hugs and grace that was shown to me. 

Oh I'm butchering this. Still be in my corner, okay?

I have been praying hard for courage, and strength to keep trying. Not only physically but spiritually. For FHE we watched Sis. Neill F. Marriott's talk "It will all work out." And you know what? It filled my bucket right to the brim. 

I am so at peace with continuing to fight for this and somehow I have found a happy attitude. I'm not questioning it, I don't want to scare it off.  

We went to the Dr. Today and asked all our questions and we feel really good. We love our Dr. And her staff. They take such good care of us. I start the next round of drugs tomorrow and we'll be on track for IUI #2 around March 15th. 

Obscure reasons why this month is going to work: it's March Madness, and I love March Madness. 

And I'm really grateful for a distraction to make the time move faster. It will all work out.