Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Baby B, Smiles, and Tender Mercies

Sometimes it just really rips my heart out that I have to wait a little longer to hold you.  It's an interesting place to be feeling such unmeasurable joy getting to be Evan's Momma and to have that missing Baby B feeling sneak in often. 

I really think that the veil is so thin with babies. The other night I was snuggling Evan and I asked him if he loved Baby B and he gave me his very first genuine smile. A smile! I asked him if Baby B was a boy or a girl and his coo sounded just like "girl!" which just cracked me up, because I realize he can't talk and he's only 11 weeks old, but for the next five minutes Scott and I talked to him about Baby B and there was so much joy snuggled between the three(four) of us. Evan is going to make the best big brother, he loves his siblings so much already. I'm so glad he's safely in my arms to tell me all about them.  


(Not an announcement. I imagine it's going to take all of us awhile to recover from the first fight to get our babies here.) 

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Happy New Year! And ramblings on motherhood.

Happy New Year!! 



You're eight weeks old sweetheart! I need to catch up on your monthly updates, but I need to write it out tonight. As the fireworks shoot off outside our window sounding like a stampede because so many people are celebrating, this is our celebration. Me and you. Listening to you breathe deeply on my chest, I can't help but whisper, "we made it, baby." You are a miracle. I can hardly believe this is our life most days. 

When I was four years old I had a "mommy party" for my birthday. I wanted to wash dishes, tend my baby dolls, and paint nails because that's what Mom's do. In high school my nickname was Momma J because I liked to take care of my teammates and bake things. And then came the years of Aunt Jess who got to love on nieces and nephews for the past seven years. (Still do.) but this time you're real, and you're mine. We're not just playing house anymore. I still love washing dishes, painting my nails, baking, but most of all I love tending you. In your short 8 weeks earthside Momma has had to make a lot of tough decisions as to what's best for you. And the 35+2 weeks I managed to stay pregnant. That motherhood stuff starts from the get go. I can't think of anything more humbling. I want what's best for you so badly, sometimes it's hard to figure out what that even is so I can give it to you. I know that I won't always get it right, but I'm so grateful we didn't give up on each other. I know you were probably fighting just as hard to get here as I was trying to get you here. 

Tonight I want to remember:

  • The way you always put your fist up to my face when you're done eating so I can kiss it. 
  • The way your left ear looks a little smashed. It's darling. 
  • All the sweet sounds you make. 
  • When I was talking to you about how badly I miss your twin and when I said Baby B your eyes got super big and wide and you threw your arms open. I know you miss them too. I think babies know more than we do.  
  • How you managed to poop, spit up, and sneeze all within 30 seconds of each other. And being your number one cheerleaders we were so PROUD of your digestive system. We put you right in the tub.
  • How you calm down when you hear my voice. You're very obedient when I talk to you.
  • How reverently you fold your hands/arms when you're relaxed. 

Physically my body was so messed up after delivering and Evan needed NICU level help we both needed a team of people to keep us put together. I am so grateful we had all those amazing people on our team. But the empowered "I am his Mom, and I know what's best for him" feeling did not happen out of the gate. Especially since we both needed to be obedient to our Drs and nurses to get strong. I'm so grateful tonight snuggling you way past your bedtime for the empowering moments these past eight weeks that have helped me reclaim my confidence. Like politely declining advice that I know isn't the best fit for our situation or for you! (Sometimes accepting it too, I don't know everything after all.) And not in a rude way. But I've spent the last year and a half holding my breath being obedient to countless Drs and nurses to get pregnant and to get you here. Which worked beautifully, but dangit it's time for me to be in charge. In charge of myself and in charge of you. What a beautiful realization that is. Especially for a Type A trailblazer like your momma. This is a really big deal for me because a lot of the time this year I'll just agree to avoid confrontation rather than voicing how I truly feel.

Little Boy we are going to have so much fun this year. I can't wait to see what you teach me and what I teach you. I've waited forever for this. 


And I want you to know I will never ever give up that fight of trying to do what's best for you. Because I do know what's best for you. 

I'm your Momma. 

(Reference this post in 16 years when I try too hard and come across overprotective and overbearing. But holidays and birthdays are the exception, because Momma loves a good party, and sporting events, and probably science fair projects too. We'll just have to play it by ear. Love you sweet boy.)