Wednesday, January 27, 2016


Learning to love deeply

Tonight I'm thinking about how deeply I love Scott and those moments when I knew we were adding weight to that deeper kind of love. We met and married fast because we knew. We knew we were supposed to be together, but we have learned so much more about each other struggling and fighting through infertility and sometimes just life. I think that deep love doubles every time we love each other at our worst, or when we're going through something hard. Or just a really great kiss. Those add strength too. 

Some Good Kisses & Deep Love Builders

- Crying in the Sprouts Parking Lot that one time when we were engaged because of things I couldn't control. 
- watching Scott pull up in his truck while I was washing dishes the day we got our temple clearance letter and running down the driveway barefoot and jumping into his arms. 
- Running through the rain & kissing in the street Valentine's Day 2014
- Kissing him Goodbye as he left to get us settled in San Antonio
- Getting Sealed
- Running out of Dinner on our honeymoon because we were dummy's and got crazy sun burned and needed aloe. 
- Following the ambulance when you got sick 
- Holding me close when I got homesick for the first time
- Staying by my side when I had to go to the ER our first Christmas.. And putting me in the shower after I projectile vomited on myself

- Telling me I wasn't allowed to take anymore pregnancy tests without you. 
- squeezing my hand real tight to make me strong when Lindsay called to say they were pregnant, and letting me cry after
- Not missing a single doctors appointment 
- letting me be scared when we found the lumps in my chest. 
-kissing me when the surgeon gave us the all clear in that weird exam room. 
- Mourning with me each time we weren't pregnant
- sitting next to me on the stairs when I couldn't walk because of fertility drugs 
- calling that one lady a bad word when she was mean to me
- Cheering what day we're on of drugs
- Giving me Bottomless Diet Coke and a really great Christmas when December sucked

And countless other things. I spent some time talking to my sweet Mother in Law over Christmas about what a wonderful foundation infertility has given our marriage. I couldn't agree more. I think we make a pretty great team. And I'm grateful for reasons to love deeper. 


We should have a baby this year!

We really should. Wouldn't that be dreamy? 

We had to take a cycle off. Which really was good timing. When I saw my parents at Cam's graduation they gave Scott my Christmas present from them. When we hugged goodbye my Mom told me she put every ounce of love she had into this gift for my first Christmas away from home. I burst into tears and choked out, "but what if I'm not pregnant for Christmas?" She squeezed me tighter like Moms do best and said exactly what I needed to hear. I hope I'm just like her. 

My Mom gave me her rocking chair. The rocking chair that Grandpa Lucky had brought her, her first Christmas away from home. So she would have something to rock her new baby in. My parents and Alyssa took it apart, sanded it down, stained it, and then managed to pack the whole thing in a suitcase to bring to Dallas. They gave it to Scott and he reassembled it for our Christmas morning. 

So much love in that chair. I imagine Grandpa Lucky is holding our babies close while we wait.

We checked out from pretty much everything after we found out and did pretty much whatever we wanted. We held each other close, and spoiled each other rotten for Christmas. Looking around I started to feel a little overwhelmed at our coping. And then Scott pulled me close and told me this would be our last Christmas without a baby. And next Christmas we were going to be buying baby things, and it was okay to have one last hurrah. He says a lot of really great things. 

Denver was perfect. It snowed Christmas morning, I drank a lot of Diet Coke, slept a lot, got to know my Daly side of the family even better and not obsess/be in pain from the fertility meds. I kept thinking that I wouldn't have had such good conversations with Gayle and Shannon had I been on heavy meds. And I'm really grateful for those conversations. 

We are back in San Antonio, on Day 18/19 and so far no positive ovulation test. I've accepted we probably won't get pregnant on our own, so I'm waiting to start over so we can get going again. If I go to Day 35 without starting over I get to take Provera again. Which really was one of the worst parts. I'm hoping that doesn't have to happen. 

I feel so of of control. I want the plan that says this is what you need to do to get pregnant. We're still working on the right combo for that, and I think I'm still hurting and a tad angry that the last one didn't work. We had potential for triplets! I was so hopeful! I was serving, I was giving everything I had. Also there were 8 baby announcements this Christmas. I keep reminding myself that they're not having babies for my family. I'm jealous. I really want to be in that club. 

I don't know if this next one is going to work, but dang it. We're going to keep giving this everything we got. And then some! 

It will all be worth it. 


Feeling a lot of things. When December failed, I started telling myself we were going to have a baby next year. Which helped a ton, but now we're into the unmonitored cycle, and when I should have gotten a positive ovulation test today I didn't. I was hoping all these drugs into my system would have put my body back on a normal schedule. Which it isn't. Lame. So most likely We'll lose another 10days and have to do provera to restart things. We decided to do the iui this time which means both of us need to go have infectious disease bloodwork done. They're also adding progesterone suppositories after to hopefully keep the baby(ies) inside me.  I think if we get pregnant in January we'll have a baby the end of October. My family is planning a huge reunion over thanksgiving. I'm hoping I either have a baby at that or we're pregnant and I can still travel. So many things to consider. 

I've given up on planning when this baby will come, they'll come when they're ready. But it sure is nice to dream. 

Went to the gym today. Trying to plan healthier meals and I feel good about it. We will have a healthy pregnancy. 


Update: today was hard. 

The thing with infertility, is no one knows what to say. And it isn't their fault, I don't even know what to say, or what I want people to say. 

Because right now the only thing that would make things better is getting pregnant. 

I needed to find a top to match my skirt for the Christmas party tomorrow. (Skirt was purchased on first coping trip yesterday.) Old Navy has these really great leggings I love and the store was 50% off so I started there. Turns out the leggings I want are only online. Moving on, Kohls didn't really have much to choose from and I already felt frumpy. I kept it together until we were waiting in line to buy Scott a shirt. Nothing on my list. (Which barf. Stop being so self-centered Jess.) but I was done. Suddenly I was hot and crying staring at the tile and whispered for the keys so I wouldn't make a scene. 

Two of my dearest best friends had babies this week. And I am so happy for them and their families, I've just found myself sitting in the bitter when's it my turn club. It's an ugly club. We called the fertility center today to discuss timing for the next cycle. We do the mid-cycle ultrasound on Day 11-12. Our flight gets in from Denver 5:00pm on Day 12.  So we decided to take this trip to regroup, and we'll try again in January. 

We went and saw the new Star Wars and it was awesome. We've been waiting for it to come out so we could go to the Alamo Drafthouse. It's the type of movie theater you get to order dinner at. Also because I'm so not pregnant I drank 4 Diet Cokes for the first time in 4 months and it felt real good. This movie will always hold a special place in my heart because for three hours it pulled me out of a dark funk. Changed my attitude and after the movie we found me a really pretty sweater to wear to the Christmas party tomorrow. 

Then we ran errands and came home to watch The Last Man Standing, oh I love Tim Allen!

Lindsay and I got to FaceTime for awhile and it was really nice. We talk multiple times a day, she had the sweetest Baby Gabe this morning and selfishly I was worried that this wouldn't be a good time to hash out me having a hard time right now. I am grateful for her being able to just shoot the breeze and make me feel like it's okay to buy things you normally wouldn't and be sad you miss the next cycle by 12hrs. 

We cancelled pretty much any and all social interaction besides being together, it's safer that way. I can't afford to go to Costco jail. Just need to keep a good face on through church and then my responsibilities will be done for the rest of the year. 

Because truthfully, it comes in waves. And right now I would love to be cuddled up in a hole with Scott wearing one of those beer helmets filled with Diet Coke. 

Don't you worry baby. I'm fighting really hard to pull myself out of this depression. I'm still taking all my vitamins, I'm reading a book of meditations, and I'm looking into acupuncture. I will be ready for January, but for a few days, I'm going to cry and snuggle your Dad, drink eggnog, read my scriptures, and pray to find some Christmas cheer. My tank emptied quite a bit when this became our second Christmas with no baby news. 

Tomorrow is a new day. 


Second Christmas with No news.

Through this trial of infertility I have been determined to genuinely be happy for my friends and family who are having babies. I'm sure you've guessed by now that that's been harder lately and the latest cycle failed.

They upped the Femara from 7.5mg to 12mg. My body made three follicles in 11 days this time. Ovulating those three might have been the hardest most painful thing I've done. At one point we were walking down the side walk after getting snow cones and I told Scott "grab the baby, grab the baby!"  He took my niece Tenley from me and I doubled over. It was pretty hard to walk. I was so exhausted once I tried three times to go downstairs and ended up taking a nap on the top stair because that was easier. 

I think I set myself up for more heartbreak this round because I could see all three beautiful follicles, and I worked hard to grow those three. I even let my mind wander to what we could name out triplets. I think because it was such a small chance of triplets actually happening it was fun to fixate on and it gave me hope. Finding out the week before Christmas is really hard. This is the second Christmas we don't have baby news. 

I keep praying to find the Christmas spirit, and find some hope. I just thought everything was so perfect last round it was going to work. We're taking a month off and in January Dr. James is adding a second drug to keep my uterus all nice and cozy for baby and we will be doing an IUI and bed rest. 

Trying to be nice to myself I chopped 3in off my hair and bought Scott a Star Wars shirt.

I watched all the Star Wars movies with him this week in preparation. We really had a good time. 

But Anakin and Padme get pregnant with twins after having a picnic? 

What the crap is that? 

Maybe I should stick to Harry Potter. 


Scott the Super Dad

So the last cycle, the one that was full of hope and strength fell apart at the finish line. We made it to Day 14 before my temperature dropped. Bloodwork four hours later confirmed our crushed hearts. We told the inner circle and I ugly cried while Scott went to go get Taco Bell. THIS WAS THE ONE! I mean we survived the lump scare, I only had three meltdowns and cried at a presidency meeting. Scott learned how to give me a shot! He doesn't even have a medical degree. He rocked it! 

It just wasn't our month. We had agreed to play host to Kristin and Cam while they transition to AZ for a couple of weeks. They were set to arrive a week after we found out. Originally we were thinking if this happened (we didn't think it would happen) we would wait until after the holidays to keep trying. How silly are we? We saw that follicle on the ultrasound, we were not going to take any breaks in fighting for our little one to come home. 

We met with Dr. James and tried to keep our brave faces on. Ultrasound looked perfect and we went through our list of questions. She is so kind to us. She even prescribed something for me to help me sleep. 

We went up another 5mg in hopes of having more follicles. More follicles is more chances , but the drugs also make it happen in 11 days. We decided Scott was going to take this week off work and it's been a miracle. I have never been so sick. I walk around with headaches that make me nauseous. Saturday night we added dizzy, disoriented, and throwing up to the mix. I didn't go to church on Sunday. I started crying because Scott looked nice in his sweater and then I cried because I couldn't find the pretzels. 

Kristin and kids are here now and Scott is somehow balancing taking care of my every need, and being a non stop party for the boys. I cuddled Tenley and watched My Little Pony. He made me lunch, he checks and double checks my little pharmacy on my nightstand, works on his app and still finds time to kiss me in the pantry. 

This baby is going to be so lucky because Daddy calms Mom's fears and exhaustion and makes her brave. And that makes our team unstoppable. Tomorrow is the last day of meds little one, so you start packing your bags. We mean it this time. Come home won't you? I love you, Mom. 


I hate these kinds of pictures. Maybe it's because I've always been self conscious of my mid section, but our photographer snapped this picture last week and today.. Day 1 post trigger shot it just gave me butterflies. It looks like a pregnancy announcement doesn't it?  I added it up on Sunday how many days we will have waited if we find out we're pregnant on the 17th. 402. That's a lot of days to wait for you little one. Oh how much we know you're worth it. 

I had a bad go this second round of drugs. I'll spare you the details but I was so messed up I showed up pretty much in my pajamas an hour late to a yw presidency meeting. I went to the wrong house, wrong gate code etc. I walked into the meeting told them to fire me, and started crying because I was tired and hot. But those sisters were so compassionate and kind to me. All I can think of tonight is how much faith I have in Heavenly Father's timing. 

Had we not had to wait this long I wouldn't have been able to do girls camp or serve in young women's. We would have a three month old baby right now! Because we have had to wait we have made such incredible friends down here in TX. I know that family will come see us, but how lonely would that have been to not really know anyone and be a new Mom? 

This trial has only brought Scott and I closer together, and while this hasn't been the easiest I'm really grateful for our good friends and ovaries that feel like exploding puffer fish. 

Because tonight I am hopeful. 

We are one day closer to bringing you home little one. 


Bless the sweet surgeon. 

He said no surgery for me and that it would be medically unnecessary to have the surgery. 

I could have kissed the surgeon. But seeing as I'm married and I'm 101% over wearing paper gowns to have conversations in,  both Scott and I just kept saying thank you. The kind surgeon wished us good luck in getting baby Daly here, and then after he left Scott gave me one of the biggest kisses of my life. 

There really is something magical about doing something hard together, fighting for something together.  

When Scott gave me  the blessing before the biopsy, he said that I would be okay and that we would be able to pick up where we left off. Less than a week after the surgeon we were back at the fertility clinic. 

The thing about fertility specialists is the entire office knows you and is emotionally invested in you. The receptionist was thrilled to see us back so soon, and the nurse told me the second I saw her how happy she was the biopsy came back negative. I love Dr. James and her staff because they are so compassionate, yet aggressive at the same time. Aggressive in joining our team to help us to that finish line. They decided to up our meds dosage by a third. Last time I really didn't have any side effects, but I'm a little nervous this cycle might be harder. Fingers crossed, I just finished day three of meds and so far only one emotional breakdown and a couple of lay down immediately headaches but I could care less. We're doing it! We're going to get pregnant! I just know it. 

Also a little Scott funny that needs to be recorded. 

The ultrasound takes maybe two minutes and it's a pretty expensive two minutes. Scott has had some really great one liners. As we were leaving, "well, that must be some really fancy gel they put on there!" 

I laughed really hard. He's my rock. 

Don't you worry Baby Daly, you're worth it. Mom and Dad are doing everything we can to get you here. We found ourselves a fantastic team so get ready. We love you! 



I just didn't think it would happen to me. I helped with an infertility non-profit several years ago with only my experience of watching my sweet sisters and their husbands struggle to bring to the table. 

Fast forward a few years and today is the one-year mark of trying to get Baby Daly safely into our arms. We have learned a lot, sacrificed a lot, and met our deductible without a problem. We have a fantastic OB/GYN and a fantastic Fertility Specialist. 

But there were two significant bumps in the road that derailed the train and have left me feeling a little helpless. We had made it through the first round of fertility drugs, but a few weeks earlier I felt something in my left breast that shouldn't be there. I talked myself out of it, knowing that things like that can pop up with changes in hormones. Unfortunately I started to lose some sleep over it. We brought it up to our specialist at the ultrasound to see if we had a follicle large enough to get the trigger shot. She very calmly said we shouldn't play around with something like that and I found myself calling my regular OB/GYN for the soonest apt possible. Our little follicle was progressing, but wasn't quite ready to go so we had three days to sort out my chest before our next ultrasound. My Dr. confirmed I wasn't crazy because she felt it too, and told us me I needed to go see the radiologist immediately. I sat in the parking lot and tried not to cry while I called Scott. He met me on the driveway so I wouldn't have to go to the radiologist without his hand to hold. A tearful phone call to my Mom and to Lindsay trying to find some courage to go to the next apt and we were off. 

They wouldn't let Scott come back with me at the radiologist, and as I sat in the second waiting room in the weird gown with three armholes I couldn't help but notice all the other women were 40yrs older than me. I don't belong here! I wanted to scream. This is NOT what I signed up for. I asked for mood swings and headaches and trying to figure out how to give myself a trigger shot and a sweet sweet baby snuggled close to my chest. 

Turns out during the ultrasound they found a second lump. The larger is 1.6cm and the smaller is 1.1cm. I knew she wasn't allowed to tell me much but I asked questions anyway to get her to talk. She told me that because I'm so young I shouldn't worry about it and just come back in six months and see if they grew. I asked about our fertility treatment and she said to pay attention to them because these things feed on pregnancy hormones. Neat. 

I got dressed and Scott scooped me up and we went to Taco Bell to try and wrap our mind around what just happened. The radiologist sent the results to my Dr the next day and she called so we could talk things over. We decided she would call my specialist and give her the results and talk things over. This was about an hour before both offices closed on Wednesday. At this point this was no longer an infertility battle. Parents were updated and a few siblings, and I told some of my dear friends here. We needed people to hold on to. I didn't go to youth and worried all night. Those dear friends brought over flowers and pep talks and let me cry during this scary week. Oh we have the best friends and family. 

We walked into the big Thursday Ultrasound and my specialist asked me how my week had been. Not the best. We all agreed that if for some reason these needed to be removed it wouldn't be a good idea to wait until I was six months pregnant to have surgery. She decided to take a look and see if our follicle had reacted to the meds for next time. I was so dang proud of that 18.7mm follicle my heart could have exploded. I think it did explode when it sunk in that we could have gotten pregnant that very day and now we couldn't. I kept it together until my sweet sweet Dr told the receptionist that there was no charge for the ultrasound that day. Fertility treatments are not cheap. Go figure I would fall apart after someone was nice to me. 

Originally I was given three options. We opted for the middle ground option of taking a core needle biopsy of both masses. 


We laid around all conference weekend and the messages were just what I needed to hear. 

I spent Sunday night worrying again, because hello what is going to happen on Monday during this procedure and the money we spent on the first round we pretty much lost, and what if we don't get pregnant next round etc. 

I purposely didn't look up what happens during a biopsy as long as I could, but at 6:18am I caved. It seemed to make more sense than worrying about getting pregnant.


It was completely legit, it was on the Susan G. Komen website. 

Once we got to the radiologist's office I was trying not to panic some more. Once again Scott couldn't come back, but faithfully waited for me. 

Turns out it was just like the video. I was hoping for the c-section approach where there's a sheet up so you don't need therapy later. No such luck. I had an amazing nurse who put me right at ease, who told me the dr performing this would be her number one pick if she had to have this done herself. 

First they injected my chest with anesthetic. Then the nice Dr. asked for a scalpel and I opened my eyes. Don't open your eyes. They make a little cut and put what can only be described as a tent stake attached to a remote into your chest while someone holds the ultrasound on you so he can see what he's doing. He warned me that I would hear a click but it sounds more like a staple gun. They have to get 4-5 pieces of tissue to test.  Five staple sounds later and it was time to access the smaller one. Smaller one was a brat to access. It was smaller and much deeper in my chest. He told me that if I felt anything to tell him. So he goes to get set up and I totally could feel all the tools. I wasn't completely numb yet. So they numbed me some more. Which I'm so grateful they had to give me more because they tried five times to get a single usable piece. They decided to switch to a larger tent stake remote which makes a double click when it cuts the piece. It was so stubborn I had to have five hands mashing me to get it to hold still long enough for them to get a good piece. Bruises were pretty gnarly.

After, they put me together and I left with quite the bandage. I was so proud of myself for getting through it without crying I was ready to run a marathon. We stopped to buy an ice pack before heading home and my dear visiting teacher called because she couldn't get me off her mind. Oh Heavenly Father is so mindful of me. I told her what was really going on and why I couldn't do lunch that day and she brought us dinner that night. I had a six hour nap after we got home, woke up for food and slept another 14hours. It was such a huge relief to be on the other side of that procedure. 

Biopsy was on Monday and my Dr was supposed to call on Thursday and go over them with me. I hadn't heard from her so I called only to find out that my results had been delayed and I needed to wait until Monday. 

Today's Monday. Thankfully both lumps are not cancerous! Huge miracle! Scott gave me the sweetest blessing Sunday night and afterwards both of us knew it was going to be okay. After talking with my Dr. About when we could start fertility treatments again, she decided that we needed to consult a surgeon before getting the go-ahead. If the surgeon thinks they should be removed now it would mean a smaller incision and less complicated surgery. Which I level with, but being delayed again in starting our family just knocked me out. Today was supposed to be a celebration! We were going to get the all clear and call the specialist! 

Instead I made it to level 418 of Candy Crush and had a big cry over not being in control over anything and feeling guilty that I wasn't celebrating the good news more and focusing on the delay instead. 

We meet with the surgeon tomorrow. 

Don't you worry Baby Daly, we will never stop fighting. 
You're worth every minute and every tear. 

Love, Mom & Dad


"I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling, sisters, that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, 'Was that all that was required?' I believe that if we could daily remember and recognize the depth of the love that our Heavenly Father and our Savior have for us, we would be willing to do anything They asked to be back in Their presence again. What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here, if in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with Them." —Linda S. Reeves .


After August and we weren't pregnant again we decided to spend our UT/AZ trip not worrying about babies and enjoying our families. We made the decision that after we got home we would go to the Fertility Specialist. After initial bloodwork and ultrasounds on paper there is nothing wrong with us. Neat. Dr. James decided to do a 5mg Femara Cycle with a Trigger Shot. 

• • • 

In a few short hours I will take the last dosage of Femara. Tonight we picked up the trigger shot at the pharmacy, the trigger shot that our insurance won't pay for. We knew that dealing with infertility is expensive. (Did I just acknowledge that we struggle with infertility? It's been a hard year.) 

Scott has such an amazing job that provides for this big, beautiful, dream of a life we share. Tonight I just feel so vulnerable and nervous. While we face this trial hand in hand, there is so much pressure on my body to respond appropriately to the medication and do what it was designed to do. If this cycle doesn't work we will keep trying, we will get our babies here. But what if my body can't figure it out?? I know that Scott cares about the finances but he doesn't really care about baby finances.He's doing everything and anything to make sure our babies get here and get here safely. He's just incredible like that. 

Oh and Scott/I is supposed to shoot up my ovary with this trigger shot?! That thing was a lot of money and neither of us want to screw it up. Mostly because the timing is delicate and who knows what if I panic that my sweet endearing husband is about to put a needle in my stomach? What if he freaks out that he has to do this? 

Also I've been super grateful that my body hasn't had too many side effects from the Femara, except I have had several kitchen floor meltdowns over important things like getting our air ducts cleaned and if my carpet is really this color or if it's dirty.and that it's going to be hot forever. Also, I got mad that Scott wouldn't let me pop a zit on the back of his head. Apparently "my family" likes to pop things and he is patient. 

Good grief I sound like a mental person. 

Does anyone else think it's an oversight for fertility meds to make the woman crazy? I mean, it's hard to be desirable when you're trying not to rage over air ducts and "toxins in the sky." 

Basically Scott just keeps feeding me peanut m&ms and telling me I'm pretty and letting me do whatever projects I want. He is the best example of what it means to love unconditionally, and I am grateful I get to love him so fiercely. 

Dear Baby, this is why you get an amazing Dad.. Because sometimes Mom is crazy. 

Ps. It's going to work, and we can't wait to meet you. 

5•10•2015 II

Mother's Day Part 2.

You know those days you walk around with the tears behind your eyes just waiting to burst? Today feels that way.

I refuse to not celebrate those who have their kids already or are pregnant. I will not take away from that. 

But I wish I was wearing my party hat with them too. 


Mother's Day

Oh this week has been hard. We weren't pregnant again April 28th. We had gone for bloodwork and preliminary fertility testing a couple weeks ago. May 7th was our ultrasound and meeting with Dr. V to get the results of the bloodwork. Basically he gave us a ton of information and 85% of it broke my hopeful heart. He answered our questions and I trust him, but I think he was trying to tell us all of our possible options. Which snowballed into basically every fertility option possible. I was trying to process everything when he said IUI and IVF. Which would be way way way down the road for us, but hearing that was too much. I mean we close on our house in two weeks! We left with a couple prescriptions to change my vitamins and something to get my body to regulate cycles and the option to make an apt with a fertility specialist. But I really think he was just trying to give us as many options as possible. I really had a hard time keeping it together trying to get to the car. Scott continues to blow my mind. Optimistic, hopeful, encouraging. Exactly what I need before I even ask. Oh I married well. This happened to happen during the girls camp fundraiser where I needed to make 90dz rolls. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. And maybe attempt to process that this might not be as easy as I was hoping. 

I sulked over dinner with Scott and he let me cry. And then I pulled it together and we made rolls. Which ended up being a pretty great distraction.

We made rolls for the next three days. I started taking the stuff he gave me and I actually feel really good. We're like at the baby steps before pursuing a bigger drug. Which I think is good because it gives us something that could really help us while we take the time to process what future road lies ahead of us. 

Mother's Day is tomorrow and my sweet husband is speaking on the prayers of righteous mother's/ prayers of righteous women who might be single or don't have children. Which I'm going to pretend I don't think is a sucker punch. I really am looking forward to hearing him speak on this, but dang it it's fresh right now. 

The fundraiser went so well today, but now it's Saturday night and I really just don't want to do tomorrow. I secretly was hoping we could surprise our own mother's tomorrow that I was going to be a mother, and now I need to figure out how to get through church tomorrow without Scott sitting next to me. 

I do know that Heavenly Father will not forget me or my family. He's probably just snuggling our babies a little longer because they're so cute. I have complete confidence in the Lord's timing, I just wish I knew what his timing was. I miss our babies, and I'm terrified that our beautiful new house is going to feel empty without them. 

I'll be a Mom one day. And one day my Mother's Day will be filled with smudges on my glass doors and slobbery peanut butter toddler kisses. I can't wait. 



Dear Baby,

Daddy and Mommy bought you a house this week, with your very own room! We pray for you to come every day. We're hoping maybe now that you'll have your own room you'll come soon. This week we made some big changes, Mommy finally got enough courage to call the Dr. and tell them things aren't right. It scares Mommy to go to the Dr and have a bunch of tests run. I thought bringing you home to us would be quick. 6 months later and we're holding onto shreds of hope. 

Tonight your Aunt Lindsay called Mommy and Daddy to tell us your cousin is on their way! We were/are so excited for them! Babies don't come easy in this family and your cousin came to be after only 3months of treatment. Something that usually takes a year and a half. I was so excited for Aunt Lindsay on the phone, I can't believe what a miracle this is. She was so kind and sensitive to tell me rather than us hearing it through the grapevine. She knows we've been praying and trying so hard for you to join our family. 

After I hung up the phone I cried in the car to Daddy. Daddy was upset too. It's not that we were unhappy for them, we love them dearly, it just hurt our hearts that it's not our turn yet. 

But don't you worry Baby, I'll get up enough courage to go to that appointment on Monday. We will do whatever it takes to bring you safely to our arms. Even if Mommy is scared of what the Dr. might say. 

Ps. I bet your cousin is pretty great and you're going to miss them when they come to us this Christmas. You're welcome to join the party anytime you like. 

Love you for always,



I miss our babies. 

Last night was a hard one. Remember how everything was going so right? It was a lie. I came up with a crazy idea to make Scott take an ovulation test just so I could know if it was working. I mean the first two blinking smiley faces were fine, but FIVE?? Something was off, I knew it in my heart. After the initial sillies of Scott taking an ovulation test wore off, my sweet husband took a test to see if it was broken. Basically you put a new test stick into the reader, take it, and then the results pop up. 

Well. Scott got himself a blinking smiley too. On the one hand, clearly we're both fertile. On the other it really just broke my heart. We tried to laugh, but Scott saw right through me. We made brownies and ate ice cream and snuggled on the couch. Obviously we're not out of this cycle for a few more weeks, but oh was it a shot to my hope. 

I finally fell asleep at 2am last night, worrying about temperatures and ovulating. Last cycle I was worried we didn't ovulate at all, and then day 25 we had a shot. 

I called Lindsay today so I could be on the phone with someone while I checked out of Target buying more tests. I didn't want to have to make small talk with the cashier. Then I started to get to work on Scott's birthday plans trying to avoid taking another test I didn't believe in. I called my Mom to tell her about my plans for Scott's birthday cake and the first thing out of her mouth was "I need you to have a little girl now." Aunt LaPrele gave her a little green dress, smocked with a Peter Pan collar. I mean seriously? Surely that's a sign from the Heavens not to give up hope that our babies will come soon. 

I scrolled through 4 pregnancy announcements tonight.

I also imagined our baby girl in that beautiful green dress, calling her by the name we've already picked out, snuggling her close between us. 

And if one of our boys comes to us first we might just have to put that green dress on him too ;) and OH we'll snuggle him close. And kiss his chubby cheeks. 

And tonight before we crawled into bed Scott wrapped his big, strong arm around my shoulders and I prayed deeply for strength, patience, and hope. 

One day:)


FOUR BLINKING SMILEYS! The dumb ovulation test is smiling at me, smiling with enthusiasm because we're "highly fertile" but  I thought today we would have the solid smiley face. That's how it works according to the very expensive package of tests Scott brought home after scouts two cycles ago. You're supposed to have two days of blinking smileys and then a solid smiley that is displayed on the test for two days. Seeing a smiley in any form is so much better than seeing a big empty circle. Scott referred to it as a donut tonight, "because Jess, donuts aren't that bad. You love donuts." Truth be told shortly after we were married we were sitting in the temple and we both knew it was time to try. "We're coming up on five months Honey." I squeaked out after family prayer tonight. He gently reminded me that we really couldn't count the first three months of that because I was so stressed and traveling a ton. "But it feels like five months." While each case of infertility has so many unique factors, knowing that my dear sisters and sister in law and their amazing husbands fought that battle is always tucked in the back of my mind. I used to help with a non-profit that helped couples struggling with infertility and at a loose "five months." I really should wash my mouth out with soap. These women are so graceful, so courageous, so full of faith. Here I am not even with a taste of their experience and I'm anxious. I have cut my prescription ADD drugs by 2/3s. I'm juicing, I've read the book on essential oils, and am using them to help my body normalize, I've read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and every morning Scott takes my temperature before work. 

Surely charting and taking these ovulation tests will help us. Right? 

I started crying in Target in December because I was upset that we weren't going to have news to surprise everyone with. I remember trying to figure out how to communicate to Scott that I wanted to look at Christmas jammies for a baby. For OUR baby. It would be better to have a positive test first right? We didn't buy them that night. I cried to Scott saying that even if we didn't have a positive test or a Christmas baby surprise I needed that hope. That shiny happy hope that I saw so many people have. 

We bought those Santa Claus newborn jammies two days later. 

 We were three weeks late that cycle, and found out we weren't pregnant the same night I got to go to the St. George hospital and find out the only thing going on in my body was an ugly infection. We left the hospital at 2am got Taco Bell, Antibiotics  and I tried not not to cry as I said, "honey, how does the girl who eats nothing but hot Cheetos get pregnant in high school?" 

I am anxious this cycle. Anxious because everything seems to be going exactly right. Maybe with kid #2 I'll laugh at this anxiety. How I really just want to drink my juice and lay in bed so nothing goes wrong. Crazy or not, I'm trying to listen to what my heart needs. 

And you know what? Those newborn sized Santa Claus jammies have hung on the chair in our room everyday where we can both see them. 

And I am hopeful that we will have a newborn Baby Daly to wear them this Christmas.