24 Weeks

It’s been a tough week. Making it to 24 weeks is such a big accomplishment for us. 24 weeks mean viability for the baby and if something were to go wrong the Drs could actually intervene. We technically aren’t 24 weeks til Tuesday, but the mind games and anxiety of hitting that milestone have really been wearing on me, and it’s July. It’s hit as high as 118 somedays and that means we can’t go outside. Evan is a runner and I love that he’s so active, but I can’t chase him six months pregnant in 118 degree heat. Even at the pool, he loves to run and explore out of the water.  I think this pregnancy I’m a lot more honest with myself, and I’m very cautious. It’s been a really healthy pregnancy and I’ve worked hard for that, but with everything going wrong getting Evan here I can’t help but think something is going to happen. Mentally my anxiety has been winning the battle a lot. I’ve cried a lot to Scott over a variety of things. Mean librarians to haircuts. He’s so good to me, I don’t know how I got so lucky. I’ve gone to my Moms a couple times and she’s come up here. I think when I’m in such a vulnerable place I need people I trust to not judge and love me anyway. I’ve made a couple of Mom friends and I don’t think they would judge me, I’m just cautious as to how much I can handle taking Evan out solo. It sounds silly writing it all out, but mentally it’s just been hard lately. 

I pieced a quilt when I was loaded up on fertility drugs and should have been getting ready to move cross country, but a creative project was survival for me. I don’t handle change well when I’m off my ADD meds and on top of that getting pumped full of fertility drugs and moving cross country I was trying not to have a breakdown. Mom encouraged me to start working on the quilt again and it’s made me so happy. I’ve been trying lots of different things to pull myself out of this funk and wouldn’t you know it, the quilt did it. I have a tendency to be hard on myself because getting pregnant, staying pregnant and delivery is hard on me. Just a lot of why aren’t I better at this? Why is it so hard? Even if that’s not fair, I struggle with that. Having this quilt and getting compliments on it has made me feel so much better about myself. Gosh, writing this all out feels vulnerable. 

I’ve also been trying to communicate better with everyone around me. Right now family get togethers are pulling me through, and alone time away from Evan. I’m still working on finding a go to baby sitter here and sometimes Mom needs a break. I asked my brother and sister in law to come spend the night with Evan for our anniversary this week and Scott booked a really nice hotel. We’ve never done that before!  I’m looking forward to a nice dinner just us, swimming, and sleeping in. And then the next week we’re going to St. George! I’m so excited to go see Fred & Gayle, I really love our relationship, and this is exactly what I wanted with moving closer. They came and visited us and now we get to go see them. I really want our kids to have those special relationships with their Grandparents and spending more time together makes that easier. 

I’m feeling better and having things to look forward to are so needed right now. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of this funk. Everyone around me is so understanding, but I think our home is more peaceful when Mom is happy and fun and herself. Pregnancy is so humbling for me, but I love my kids so it’s very worth it. Hopefully these slug it out weeks are coming to a close.