Infertility.
I just didn't think it would happen to me. I helped with an infertility non-profit several years ago with only my experience of watching my sweet sisters and their husbands struggle to bring to the table.
Fast forward a few years and today is the one-year mark of trying to get Baby Daly safely into our arms. We have learned a lot, sacrificed a lot, and met our deductible without a problem. We have a fantastic OB/GYN and a fantastic Fertility Specialist.
But there were two significant bumps in the road that derailed the train and have left me feeling a little helpless. We had made it through the first round of fertility drugs, but a few weeks earlier I felt something in my left breast that shouldn't be there. I talked myself out of it, knowing that things like that can pop up with changes in hormones. Unfortunately I started to lose some sleep over it. We brought it up to our specialist at the ultrasound to see if we had a follicle large enough to get the trigger shot. She very calmly said we shouldn't play around with something like that and I found myself calling my regular OB/GYN for the soonest apt possible. Our little follicle was progressing, but wasn't quite ready to go so we had three days to sort out my chest before our next ultrasound. My Dr. confirmed I wasn't crazy because she felt it too, and told us me I needed to go see the radiologist immediately. I sat in the parking lot and tried not to cry while I called Scott. He met me on the driveway so I wouldn't have to go to the radiologist without his hand to hold. A tearful phone call to my Mom and to Lindsay trying to find some courage to go to the next apt and we were off.
They wouldn't let Scott come back with me at the radiologist, and as I sat in the second waiting room in the weird gown with three armholes I couldn't help but notice all the other women were 40yrs older than me. I don't belong here! I wanted to scream. This is NOT what I signed up for. I asked for mood swings and headaches and trying to figure out how to give myself a trigger shot and a sweet sweet baby snuggled close to my chest.
Turns out during the ultrasound they found a second lump. The larger is 1.6cm and the smaller is 1.1cm. I knew she wasn't allowed to tell me much but I asked questions anyway to get her to talk. She told me that because I'm so young I shouldn't worry about it and just come back in six months and see if they grew. I asked about our fertility treatment and she said to pay attention to them because these things feed on pregnancy hormones. Neat.
I got dressed and Scott scooped me up and we went to Taco Bell to try and wrap our mind around what just happened. The radiologist sent the results to my Dr the next day and she called so we could talk things over. We decided she would call my specialist and give her the results and talk things over. This was about an hour before both offices closed on Wednesday. At this point this was no longer an infertility battle. Parents were updated and a few siblings, and I told some of my dear friends here. We needed people to hold on to. I didn't go to youth and worried all night. Those dear friends brought over flowers and pep talks and let me cry during this scary week. Oh we have the best friends and family.
We walked into the big Thursday Ultrasound and my specialist asked me how my week had been. Not the best. We all agreed that if for some reason these needed to be removed it wouldn't be a good idea to wait until I was six months pregnant to have surgery. She decided to take a look and see if our follicle had reacted to the meds for next time. I was so dang proud of that 18.7mm follicle my heart could have exploded. I think it did explode when it sunk in that we could have gotten pregnant that very day and now we couldn't. I kept it together until my sweet sweet Dr told the receptionist that there was no charge for the ultrasound that day. Fertility treatments are not cheap. Go figure I would fall apart after someone was nice to me.
Originally I was given three options. We opted for the middle ground option of taking a core needle biopsy of both masses.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS DURING ONE OF THOSE?
We laid around all conference weekend and the messages were just what I needed to hear.
I spent Sunday night worrying again, because hello what is going to happen on Monday during this procedure and the money we spent on the first round we pretty much lost, and what if we don't get pregnant next round etc.
I purposely didn't look up what happens during a biopsy as long as I could, but at 6:18am I caved. It seemed to make more sense than worrying about getting pregnant.
DON'T LOOK UP THAT VIDEO.
It was completely legit, it was on the Susan G. Komen website.
Once we got to the radiologist's office I was trying not to panic some more. Once again Scott couldn't come back, but faithfully waited for me.
Turns out it was just like the video. I was hoping for the c-section approach where there's a sheet up so you don't need therapy later. No such luck. I had an amazing nurse who put me right at ease, who told me the dr performing this would be her number one pick if she had to have this done herself.
First they injected my chest with anesthetic. Then the nice Dr. asked for a scalpel and I opened my eyes. Don't open your eyes. They make a little cut and put what can only be described as a tent stake attached to a remote into your chest while someone holds the ultrasound on you so he can see what he's doing. He warned me that I would hear a click but it sounds more like a staple gun. They have to get 4-5 pieces of tissue to test. Five staple sounds later and it was time to access the smaller one. Smaller one was a brat to access. It was smaller and much deeper in my chest. He told me that if I felt anything to tell him. So he goes to get set up and I totally could feel all the tools. I wasn't completely numb yet. So they numbed me some more. Which I'm so grateful they had to give me more because they tried five times to get a single usable piece. They decided to switch to a larger tent stake remote which makes a double click when it cuts the piece. It was so stubborn I had to have five hands mashing me to get it to hold still long enough for them to get a good piece. Bruises were pretty gnarly.
After, they put me together and I left with quite the bandage. I was so proud of myself for getting through it without crying I was ready to run a marathon. We stopped to buy an ice pack before heading home and my dear visiting teacher called because she couldn't get me off her mind. Oh Heavenly Father is so mindful of me. I told her what was really going on and why I couldn't do lunch that day and she brought us dinner that night. I had a six hour nap after we got home, woke up for food and slept another 14hours. It was such a huge relief to be on the other side of that procedure.
Biopsy was on Monday and my Dr was supposed to call on Thursday and go over them with me. I hadn't heard from her so I called only to find out that my results had been delayed and I needed to wait until Monday.
Today's Monday. Thankfully both lumps are not cancerous! Huge miracle! Scott gave me the sweetest blessing Sunday night and afterwards both of us knew it was going to be okay. After talking with my Dr. About when we could start fertility treatments again, she decided that we needed to consult a surgeon before getting the go-ahead. If the surgeon thinks they should be removed now it would mean a smaller incision and less complicated surgery. Which I level with, but being delayed again in starting our family just knocked me out. Today was supposed to be a celebration! We were going to get the all clear and call the specialist!
Instead I made it to level 418 of Candy Crush and had a big cry over not being in control over anything and feeling guilty that I wasn't celebrating the good news more and focusing on the delay instead.
We meet with the surgeon tomorrow.
Don't you worry Baby Daly, we will never stop fighting.
You're worth every minute and every tear.
Love, Mom & Dad
