Wednesday, January 27, 2016


Mother's Day

Oh this week has been hard. We weren't pregnant again April 28th. We had gone for bloodwork and preliminary fertility testing a couple weeks ago. May 7th was our ultrasound and meeting with Dr. V to get the results of the bloodwork. Basically he gave us a ton of information and 85% of it broke my hopeful heart. He answered our questions and I trust him, but I think he was trying to tell us all of our possible options. Which snowballed into basically every fertility option possible. I was trying to process everything when he said IUI and IVF. Which would be way way way down the road for us, but hearing that was too much. I mean we close on our house in two weeks! We left with a couple prescriptions to change my vitamins and something to get my body to regulate cycles and the option to make an apt with a fertility specialist. But I really think he was just trying to give us as many options as possible. I really had a hard time keeping it together trying to get to the car. Scott continues to blow my mind. Optimistic, hopeful, encouraging. Exactly what I need before I even ask. Oh I married well. This happened to happen during the girls camp fundraiser where I needed to make 90dz rolls. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. And maybe attempt to process that this might not be as easy as I was hoping. 

I sulked over dinner with Scott and he let me cry. And then I pulled it together and we made rolls. Which ended up being a pretty great distraction.

We made rolls for the next three days. I started taking the stuff he gave me and I actually feel really good. We're like at the baby steps before pursuing a bigger drug. Which I think is good because it gives us something that could really help us while we take the time to process what future road lies ahead of us. 

Mother's Day is tomorrow and my sweet husband is speaking on the prayers of righteous mother's/ prayers of righteous women who might be single or don't have children. Which I'm going to pretend I don't think is a sucker punch. I really am looking forward to hearing him speak on this, but dang it it's fresh right now. 

The fundraiser went so well today, but now it's Saturday night and I really just don't want to do tomorrow. I secretly was hoping we could surprise our own mother's tomorrow that I was going to be a mother, and now I need to figure out how to get through church tomorrow without Scott sitting next to me. 

I do know that Heavenly Father will not forget me or my family. He's probably just snuggling our babies a little longer because they're so cute. I have complete confidence in the Lord's timing, I just wish I knew what his timing was. I miss our babies, and I'm terrified that our beautiful new house is going to feel empty without them. 

I'll be a Mom one day. And one day my Mother's Day will be filled with smudges on my glass doors and slobbery peanut butter toddler kisses. I can't wait. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm always amazed how other people are able to keep their personal struggles to themselves. I have no filters. I'm a total blabber. I have to talk about it to process it. I am so glad that Scott is so good at support you and that you feel comfortable with being able to vent, cry and get it out. I know that can be an "ugly" process. Prayers are out there for you now.