Wednesday, January 27, 2016


We should have a baby this year!

We really should. Wouldn't that be dreamy? 

We had to take a cycle off. Which really was good timing. When I saw my parents at Cam's graduation they gave Scott my Christmas present from them. When we hugged goodbye my Mom told me she put every ounce of love she had into this gift for my first Christmas away from home. I burst into tears and choked out, "but what if I'm not pregnant for Christmas?" She squeezed me tighter like Moms do best and said exactly what I needed to hear. I hope I'm just like her. 

My Mom gave me her rocking chair. The rocking chair that Grandpa Lucky had brought her, her first Christmas away from home. So she would have something to rock her new baby in. My parents and Alyssa took it apart, sanded it down, stained it, and then managed to pack the whole thing in a suitcase to bring to Dallas. They gave it to Scott and he reassembled it for our Christmas morning. 

So much love in that chair. I imagine Grandpa Lucky is holding our babies close while we wait.

We checked out from pretty much everything after we found out and did pretty much whatever we wanted. We held each other close, and spoiled each other rotten for Christmas. Looking around I started to feel a little overwhelmed at our coping. And then Scott pulled me close and told me this would be our last Christmas without a baby. And next Christmas we were going to be buying baby things, and it was okay to have one last hurrah. He says a lot of really great things. 

Denver was perfect. It snowed Christmas morning, I drank a lot of Diet Coke, slept a lot, got to know my Daly side of the family even better and not obsess/be in pain from the fertility meds. I kept thinking that I wouldn't have had such good conversations with Gayle and Shannon had I been on heavy meds. And I'm really grateful for those conversations. 

We are back in San Antonio, on Day 18/19 and so far no positive ovulation test. I've accepted we probably won't get pregnant on our own, so I'm waiting to start over so we can get going again. If I go to Day 35 without starting over I get to take Provera again. Which really was one of the worst parts. I'm hoping that doesn't have to happen. 

I feel so of of control. I want the plan that says this is what you need to do to get pregnant. We're still working on the right combo for that, and I think I'm still hurting and a tad angry that the last one didn't work. We had potential for triplets! I was so hopeful! I was serving, I was giving everything I had. Also there were 8 baby announcements this Christmas. I keep reminding myself that they're not having babies for my family. I'm jealous. I really want to be in that club. 

I don't know if this next one is going to work, but dang it. We're going to keep giving this everything we got. And then some! 

It will all be worth it. 

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