3•3•2015

FOUR BLINKING SMILEYS! The dumb ovulation test is smiling at me, smiling with enthusiasm because we're "highly fertile" but  I thought today we would have the solid smiley face. That's how it works according to the very expensive package of tests Scott brought home after scouts two cycles ago. You're supposed to have two days of blinking smileys and then a solid smiley that is displayed on the test for two days. Seeing a smiley in any form is so much better than seeing a big empty circle. Scott referred to it as a donut tonight, "because Jess, donuts aren't that bad. You love donuts." Truth be told shortly after we were married we were sitting in the temple and we both knew it was time to try. "We're coming up on five months Honey." I squeaked out after family prayer tonight. He gently reminded me that we really couldn't count the first three months of that because I was so stressed and traveling a ton. "But it feels like five months." While each case of infertility has so many unique factors, knowing that my dear sisters and sister in law and their amazing husbands fought that battle is always tucked in the back of my mind. I used to help with a non-profit that helped couples struggling with infertility and at a loose "five months." I really should wash my mouth out with soap. These women are so graceful, so courageous, so full of faith. Here I am not even with a taste of their experience and I'm anxious. I have cut my prescription ADD drugs by 2/3s. I'm juicing, I've read the book on essential oils, and am using them to help my body normalize, I've read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, and every morning Scott takes my temperature before work. 

Surely charting and taking these ovulation tests will help us. Right? 

I started crying in Target in December because I was upset that we weren't going to have news to surprise everyone with. I remember trying to figure out how to communicate to Scott that I wanted to look at Christmas jammies for a baby. For OUR baby. It would be better to have a positive test first right? We didn't buy them that night. I cried to Scott saying that even if we didn't have a positive test or a Christmas baby surprise I needed that hope. That shiny happy hope that I saw so many people have. 

We bought those Santa Claus newborn jammies two days later. 

 We were three weeks late that cycle, and found out we weren't pregnant the same night I got to go to the St. George hospital and find out the only thing going on in my body was an ugly infection. We left the hospital at 2am got Taco Bell, Antibiotics  and I tried not not to cry as I said, "honey, how does the girl who eats nothing but hot Cheetos get pregnant in high school?" 

I am anxious this cycle. Anxious because everything seems to be going exactly right. Maybe with kid #2 I'll laugh at this anxiety. How I really just want to drink my juice and lay in bed so nothing goes wrong. Crazy or not, I'm trying to listen to what my heart needs. 

And you know what? Those newborn sized Santa Claus jammies have hung on the chair in our room everyday where we can both see them. 

And I am hopeful that we will have a newborn Baby Daly to wear them this Christmas.