Wednesday, January 27, 2016


Update: today was hard. 

The thing with infertility, is no one knows what to say. And it isn't their fault, I don't even know what to say, or what I want people to say. 

Because right now the only thing that would make things better is getting pregnant. 

I needed to find a top to match my skirt for the Christmas party tomorrow. (Skirt was purchased on first coping trip yesterday.) Old Navy has these really great leggings I love and the store was 50% off so I started there. Turns out the leggings I want are only online. Moving on, Kohls didn't really have much to choose from and I already felt frumpy. I kept it together until we were waiting in line to buy Scott a shirt. Nothing on my list. (Which barf. Stop being so self-centered Jess.) but I was done. Suddenly I was hot and crying staring at the tile and whispered for the keys so I wouldn't make a scene. 

Two of my dearest best friends had babies this week. And I am so happy for them and their families, I've just found myself sitting in the bitter when's it my turn club. It's an ugly club. We called the fertility center today to discuss timing for the next cycle. We do the mid-cycle ultrasound on Day 11-12. Our flight gets in from Denver 5:00pm on Day 12.  So we decided to take this trip to regroup, and we'll try again in January. 

We went and saw the new Star Wars and it was awesome. We've been waiting for it to come out so we could go to the Alamo Drafthouse. It's the type of movie theater you get to order dinner at. Also because I'm so not pregnant I drank 4 Diet Cokes for the first time in 4 months and it felt real good. This movie will always hold a special place in my heart because for three hours it pulled me out of a dark funk. Changed my attitude and after the movie we found me a really pretty sweater to wear to the Christmas party tomorrow. 

Then we ran errands and came home to watch The Last Man Standing, oh I love Tim Allen!

Lindsay and I got to FaceTime for awhile and it was really nice. We talk multiple times a day, she had the sweetest Baby Gabe this morning and selfishly I was worried that this wouldn't be a good time to hash out me having a hard time right now. I am grateful for her being able to just shoot the breeze and make me feel like it's okay to buy things you normally wouldn't and be sad you miss the next cycle by 12hrs. 

We cancelled pretty much any and all social interaction besides being together, it's safer that way. I can't afford to go to Costco jail. Just need to keep a good face on through church and then my responsibilities will be done for the rest of the year. 

Because truthfully, it comes in waves. And right now I would love to be cuddled up in a hole with Scott wearing one of those beer helmets filled with Diet Coke. 

Don't you worry baby. I'm fighting really hard to pull myself out of this depression. I'm still taking all my vitamins, I'm reading a book of meditations, and I'm looking into acupuncture. I will be ready for January, but for a few days, I'm going to cry and snuggle your Dad, drink eggnog, read my scriptures, and pray to find some Christmas cheer. My tank emptied quite a bit when this became our second Christmas with no baby news. 

Tomorrow is a new day. 

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